The Simple Secret to Talking to Women: Say Hello

just say hello how to talk to women
The Simple Secret to Talking to Women: Say Hello
You know, it's not as hard as they say.

What I’m about to say isn’t likely to come as much of a surprise: an awful lot of men care an awful lot about meeting women. Whether it’s for sex, a relationship, or something else, most single men seem pretty preoccupied by the issue. Inevitably, when there’s that much thought put into the topic, and that many people invested in it, there are plenty of opinions around about the best ways for men to go about it. In fact, there’s a whole industry built around it, with so-called ‘pickup artists’ making their riches selling their tips and techniques to the less fortunate.

If you devote any time to the topic you’ll hear a lot about what you need to successfully woo women. Some say it’s all about confidence. Others recommend revamping the way you dress. Yet others go into endless detail about the right way to approach women, to meet them, and to talk to them. You’ll be told that you need to ask lots of questions, to make them feel comfortable, to show your value to them, or even, from certain circles, that you should subtly insult them and put them down. There’s some good advice tucked away in most of this (not the bitabout insulting people though) but for the most part, it’s irrelevant. There’s only one thing that you need to know about talking to women: say ‘hello’.

No, this isn’t a discussion of the intricacies of which greeting you should use to make a first impression – though, for the record, I prefer the informality of a simple ‘hi’ – rather, it’s about ignoring the bullshit and the extraneous stuff. If you see a woman that you’d like to get to know better, then (circumstances permitting) just go and talk to her. Be polite and friendly, introduce yourself, and try and find something to talk about. That’s it, really.

It’s always easy, and tempting, to over think things like this. That’s exactly what the pickup artist industry relies on.

It’s always easy, and tempting, to over think things like this. That’s exactly what the pickup artist industry relies on. When you think about it too much you’ll come up with a hundred questions, and I could probably find you a hundred books and 10-step programs to answer those questions. None of them will get you much further than just starting a conversation though.

Sure, just saying ‘hello’ is hardly a foolproof plan. It can go wrong. You might meet someone who’s rude and unfriendly to you. Or they might just not be attracted to you, or might be taken already. Maybe you’ll even say something silly and embarrass yourself. But those things are all true no matter what, you can’t get away from them. They’re part and parcel of walking up to random strangers to talk to them. When you do that, you take a risk, and you need to come to terms with that no matter what. And you know what? Barring exceptional cases where things go really excitingly wrong (helpful hint: if it results in a court case, it’s gone really excitingly wrong) the worst that can happen is a bit of awkwardness, a bit of embarrassment, and you both move on with your days. That’s it.

A lot of people want to convince you that they have the magic bullet, the simple method to having any girl that you want. It’s bullshit. There’s no way to have any girl that you want. It doesn’t matter who you are. Everyone gets rejected sometimes and the only way to avoid it is to never try at all. There is no magic bullet. So just take a chance, say hello, and see where things go. It won’t work every time – but then, nothing does.

There’s one thing in common to most pickup strategies, and that’s treating talking to single women as fundamentally different to any other conversation, requiring its own skill set and tactics. This attitude sees women as women first, and people second, and is a natural precursor to some potentially sexist views. It’s not even a particularly unusual attitude – how many guys do you know who claim that they don’t know how to talk to women? You might think that yourself, and if you do it’s because you’re putting their gender before and above all the other aspects of their personality. If you can talk to men, then you can talk to women. It’s the same deal, guys. You might spot a male coworker by the water cooler and ask if they want to grab a beer later, and think nothing of it. What part of that conversation would change if the coworker were female? Absolutely none. And that’s not even touching conversations about hobbies and interests. If you love tennis and you meet a woman who does too, then of course you can talk to her – you can talk about tennis! Just like you would if you met another guy who loved tennis. There doesn’t need to be, and shouldn’t be, a big difference between these situations.

If you were starting a new job and trying to impress your boss, you wouldn’t try and open conversations with slick lines, use manipulative psychological tricks, or any of the sort of rubbish that people go into when chatting people up. You’d just try and get to know them, and bond with them over shared interests. Talking to women is no different – they’re just people, not some special class of being. And, perhaps more importantly, they’re people first, and women second.

Now, the obvious response at this point is that you need the tactics to try and attract women to you, to interest them in either romance or sex. But really, not much is likely to attract them more than just normal, friendly, engaging conversation – just like you’d have with anyone else. People tend to fall for other people that they like, that they get on with, and that they have interests in common with. Get on with someone on a personal level and they’re much more likely to be attracted to you, or even seek out a relationship with you. There’s really not much more to it than that. If you’re talking to a woman that you’re attracted to, and you’re enjoying the conversation and think that they are too, then invite them for a coffee or a drink – now it’s the offer to have another great conversation, another chance to discuss your opinions and get to know another. If romance or sex follow down the line, then great, but it all starts with good conversation.

The great mystery of how to talk to women really boils down to one thing: talk to them like they’re a person. Because they are! And just like talking to anyone else, say hello and take it from there. That really is it. Just say hello.

A London-dwelling philosophy graduate with a penchant for films, gaming, and technology, with the occasional bit of tennis thrown in there.

  • ZEUS THE GREAT

    But every time I yell hello at some chick…she freaks out!

    • Joe

      It’s your approach not the word Hello. I suggest getting in proximity( a few feet) then try to make eye contact and smile then say hello. I’ve heard of the hello approach before but you will need more than that. What do you say after hello? Be sure to compliment her or bring up an interesting topic because the girls will rely on you to provide most of the conversation.

      • ZEUS THE GREAT

        but bitches be trippin tho…

  • Rob Dc

    This is great news. “Get in the van” doesn’t seem to be working for me.

  • Kyle

    This! Well put.

  • andy

    I think your advice works great for great looking guys.

    • http://www.primermagazine.com/ Andrew

      So what do you think works for not great looking guys? Fancy lines? I think you’ve got a pretty loaded statement – it implies a huge lack of self-confidence, which should not be tied to how you look (though it always is). A lack of confidence will always hurt you. And I suppose if you’re being a realist with that comment, then perhaps you’re going after women that are “out of your league”? If that’s the case, no matter what you say, you won’t get very far. The main point here is to just treat women like people – so if you say hello to a beautiful woman and she blows you off or is rude, then great! She saved you months of dating before you figured it out the hard way.

      • andy

        The mindset “she’s out of my league” is a negative attitude. This frame of mind is exactly what will keep less physically gifted men from saying hello to many women, isn’t it? The right frame of mind is, “My value is more than physical. I am smart, interesting, funny, cultured, handy…”. The magic bullet is conveying this. “Fancy lines” you practice aren’t going to work unless you are an actor. This idea is old school pick up. Modern ideas promote a conversational structure to start a conversation and show your value without showing interest until she does. If you really talk to a women like you would a dude and never show interest, you get put in the friend zone.

        • http://www.primermagazine.com/ Andrew

          It’s interesting, at least the way I’m understanding it, you’re saying the same thing the article does. The friend zone bit though is the guy’s fault if he never escalates things further – that’s completely preventable. But this piece is just about getting in the door before all that.

        • David

          The excuses of being “friendzoned” and claiming that good looking guys only get the girls are getting really old. Get off your couch and go meet someone. “Love is a game”, “I’m not attractive enough”, “Girls are materialistic bitches”… etc are a bunch of pansy excuses for not trying. The fact that you would complain about someone like not getting girls and getting defensive about it already shows that you lack confidence and are extremely self-conscious. Nip those in the bud, be confident in who you are, give a damn about your hygiene and wardrobe and I promise you will meet someone.

      • Rt1583

        So says the blond haired, blue eyed, good looking dude. I’ve got to say that the above is the most patronizing comment of all that I have read of yours across this site.
        Out of your league and you won’t get very far? Those statements are the core of good looks = confidence. You are, quite simply, stating that a persons confidence and accomplishments are inextricably linked to the way he looks.
        The game of love (even simple socializaiton) is just that, a game…and a brutal one at times and simply saying hello isn’t (as the article implies) going to give someone a front seat row to the main event.

        • http://www.primermagazine.com/ Andrew

          Hey! Thanks for the comment, I think my point got lost in translation. I actually agree with what you’re saying. I was trying to say your self-confidence shouldn’t be linked to your looks. Some of the most confident people I’ve met aren’t the most attractive, and some of the most attractive people I’ve met have the worst self-confidence. The bit about being out league was an attempt to head off an alternative view point at the pass, not that I think folks should think that way.

  • Larry

    When will you be posting “The Simple Secret to Fucking Women”?

    • http://www.primermagazine.com/ Andrew

      Haha well, if you practice your conversation skills and say hello to enough women, that’s all you need!

  • the professor

    if you find this advice new or profound, you are probably in jr. high.

    • http://www.primermagazine.com/ Andrew

      Thank you!

  • Travis

    Great article. I’m currently in college and almost everyday I would say “Hi” or “Hey, how’s it going?” to beautiful girls around campus. The next time I see them, we start having a nice conversation. It’s pretty cool how easy it is to meet gorgeous women. No phone numbers though, they’re either married or taken.

  • Atum

    LLook up: arash dibazar…YouTube
    don’t do it, do it

  • Jarred Sawyer

    Brilliant Dominic! So simple, yet such a good rule of thumb when approaching women. Will definitely follow this from now on.

  • Guru

    huh ……its working love u “” hello””

  • http://www.mensmag.net Mike Jackson

    In today’s world there are a lot of types of women. It’s not like 15-20 years ago that you can approach to every woman the same way (traditional). Facebook, Twitter and other social networks made that people in this case women aren’t looking for true values anymore, most of them are chasing the money and to become famous. So, you must go with different approach to every woman. I wrote an article about how to talk to women on my blog, so you can read it if you’re interested… Here is the link: http://www.mensmag.net/how-to-talk-to-women-guide/