A Man’s Guide to Surviving a Break-up

A Man’s Guide to Surviving a Break-up
Breaking up really is hard to do. Few life events can cause as much upheaval and pain as ending a relationship with someone you cared about. Whether you’re the breaker or the breakee, odds are you will feel a range of emotions for weeks or even months after a break-up.

We’ve all been there. Some of us lived in denial even though we saw it coming for months (or years.) For others, it came out of the clear blue sky. Whether it ends with a bang or a whimper, breaking up is a difficult time in every man’s life. Men’s emotions and feelings don’t tend to get a lot of ink as, generally speaking, men are more reticent to acknowledge much less discuss them. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t feel things too, including suffering after a break-up; Several recent studies even point to the fact that break-ups might even affect men more than women.

Now, there’s at least a hundred “flavors” of break-ups. It would be next to impossible to write a guide that covers every single contingency that leads to a split. But what we’ve tried to do here is create a series of coping strategies, pick-me-ups and silver linings that should help you through the dark days until you see the inevitable light at the end of the tunnel.

Feel the Feelings

Traditionally, men have been discouraged from showing excessive emotion from an early age. Phrases like “Be a man” and “Man up” are typically meant as ramrods to stuff down your emotions. But what happens when the emotions come flooding so fast it overwhelms that instinct? Nothing. Just roll with it. You are going to feel shitty for a time, regardless which side of the break-up you were on. And that’s perfectly ok. It won’t be fun, and you may not feel like yourself, but acknowledge what you are feeling and allow yourself to feel it.

Scientific American recently wrote about a Rutgers University study that used neuroimaging technology to show what happens in the human brain when it experiences rejection. The study participants were shown pictures of the person who had recently broken up with them. Using an MRI, researchers saw their brains “exhibited increased brain activity in several regions associated with reward, motivation, addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorder, which helps to explain why you might struggle to let go after a romantic relationship ends.”

Though it may be tempting, don’t drown your sorrows in alcohol or drugs, including workaholism, these are temporary distractions that only will defer feeling the pain and prolong the healing process. Plus you might be more tempted to reach out to her or attempt some sort of Lloyd Dobler-esque boombox-outside-her-window maneuver, which trust me, only works in the movies.

men break up guide

Don’t Try to Win Her Back

A lot of guys get wrapped up in the emotional fantasy of a grand romantic act, convinced that swinging through her window hanging from a chandelier will instantly show her the error of her ways and make her helpless to the power of your charms and fall for you once more. Don’t. We’ve been lied to, gentleman. Decades of romantic movie plots have incorrectly taught us that pretty much all break-ups warrant some sort of go-for-broke romantic gesture. But real life isn’t the movies. Sometimes your former significant other wants their space, and your sky-written love note or dozen puppies in a box wearing “take me back” sashes could come off as desperate. If this is the love of your life, and I mean the real love of your life, it will work out. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to force someone to love you or to want to be with you. You won’t be able to trick her or use guilt, so don’t even try.

What About Mutual Friends?

Another post-break-up minefield is divvying up the mutual friends. Some people can remain friends with their exes, and so for them this is less of a consideration. But for the rest of us, mutual friends are the equity built over a long-term relationship. Certain cases should be more obvious, for example, the friends each member of the former couple brought to the relationship generally side with their original friend. It’s probably a good idea to avoid “custody” battles over friends with your ex. It’s a losing proposition and will almost certainly end badly, maybe even with lost friends. People tend to naturally gravitate towards one “camp” or another after a break-up. Let it happen. Post-break-up, the once-mutual friendships you keep are organic and already battle-tested. When someone “chooses” you, it solidifies the friendship and you’ll never wonder if someone is spending time with you out of pity or attempting to slowly ease themselves out of your life with a few cursory post-break-up hangouts.

Don’t Wallow – Be Productive Instead

arrow

Build something with your hands:


Check out all of Primer’s DIY projects.

While all you may want to do is sleep or sit around and mope, fight the urge. Use this time to your advantage to better yourself. Long-term relationships are very driven by routine, so being out of that routine can feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable. You can help neutralize the jarring effects of this routine change by taking up a new hobby. Pick something you’ve always had a passing interest in but never pursued. Even if you’re not usually the type, try heading to an art supply store and wandering around for some inspiration. Maybe pick up a canvas and some paints or some sculpting clay. Making art and creating something with your hands can be a wonderful distraction, not to mention therapeutic. Plus it will give you something to focus your energies on.

Maybe you want to use this time of reflection to hit the gym more or learn to be a better cook or learn to fix motorcycles. Whatever you choose, pour some of that passion the strong emotions associated with the break-up have stirred up into a creation that you can be proud of. When the post-break-up fog has cleared, it will stand as a personal artifact symbolizing your refusal to give into sadness and depression.

men's break up guide

Enjoy Being Single

At a certain point after breaking up, your emotional state transitions from misery to realization that you are now free to be a bit selfish. Relationships require sacrifice from both partners for the sake of harmony, so maybe it’s time you got re-acquainted with the things you’d been sacrificing now that you’re able. Consciously go enjoy doing something you wouldn’t have done as part of a couple. Head to the movie theater and take in a double feature of movies you would have had to drag her to. You won’t even have to share your popcorn. Eat a whole meat lover’s pizza in your underwear in the living room while watching all three Christopher Nolan-directed Batman films back to back. Play video games all day long on a Saturday. Stay out late with the guys and realize you don’t have to call home.

None of these activities should be undertaken in a spiteful way. It’s all about enjoying the newfound freedom that being single affords you. It’s a silver lining in an otherwise painful situation. Be conscious of the fact that now that you’re a free agent, you have the time and ability to do what makes you and you alone happy. There’s a freeing and empowering quality to that realization when acted upon.

Treat Yourself

Tom Haverford would agree with me on this one: Retail therapy isn’t just for ladies anymore. Sometimes when you’re feeling low, a quick fix of purchasing goodness can be just the boost you need. Have you been eying a big-screen TV but holding off? Have you been itching to fix up your car? Have you been craving some top-shelf booze and a nice cigar? I’m here to tell you to take that plunge and indulge. Do something just for you that makes you unequivocally happy. I’m not saying to cash in your 401k and fly to Macau to try your hand at the baccarat tables, but making a splurge within reason is just plain good for the soul.

While enjoying this treat, take a few seconds to consciously acknowledge that you deserve it. The exercise will remind you that you are still the one person who knows how to make you happiest, which is something we tend to lose sight of during a break-up.

Take a Man-cation

Perhaps the ultimate expression of newly single freedom is the man-cation. Men are all different, so the details of what makes a true escape will vary depending on you. But that’s the beautiful part—you don’t have anyone else to account for, so you can literally make the trip whatever you want it to be. When was the last time you planned a trip without considering what anyone else wanted? Plan it out, book a hotel room for a few nights and hit the road. A man-cation doesn’t have to be hedonistic. See some sights, eat some good food, get a barber shave, go for a hike, chat up some locals, make some new memories. Taking some time to be alone with yourself can help you get back in touch with the “you” that was there when the relationship started, and remind you that the same person is still there now that it’s over.

Whether it was a relationship you knew was on the rocks or one in which your heart got stomped on by the person you thought you’d be with forever, parting ways with someone after a long time together is a major life transition. If you’re hurting right now, don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re still you. So much of a relationship is about two individuals becoming a unit. When you’re once again out on your own, it takes some time to recalibrate. But real talk: You WILL get through it and you WILL come out stronger on the other side. It will be difficult at times, but there are ways to enable yourself to not just cope, but actually thrive under these new life circumstances.

Chris Nesi is a writer and editor born and raised in New Jersey but currently living in Orlando, Florida. His work has appeared in more than a dozen publications including TechCrunch, The Huffington Post and Consulting magazine. When he isn't writing he enjoys swimming, reading, and cycling.

  • Butch_Zee

    Just remember it’ll be OK. It might take some time. Break ups happen. If they didn’t, we’d all be married to the girl we dated when we were 12 years old.

  • Rob

    This sure hits close to home. She moved out a month ago after an extended and bad breakup. I thought we were getting married and was ready to start ring shopping, now I’m spending that money on therapy and breaking my lease to get out of the apartment she picked out and decorated.

    • http://www.primermagazine.com/ Andrew

      Hey Rob,

      I feel your pain, man. Just know it IS going to get better. I picked up running 3-4 times per week and hitting the gym with Primer’s Big Lifts, Big Progress plan (www.primermagazine.com/2014/learn/big-lifts-big-progress) and noticed mental/emotional benefits by week 2. By week 4 I was a new man. All my best, you can do it.

      • Rob

        Hey Andrew,

        Thanks for the words of encouragement. I guess I have to scratch breaking the lease since I just got laid off… I can’t seem to catch a break lately and I’m honestly more upset about losing my girlfriend. Wish me luck.

        • http://www.primermagazine.com/ Andrew

          Sorry to hear that, it does seem like things always hit the fan all at once. Stay strong, you’ll come out of this a new, better man. Try to be grateful for this time of growth life is offering you. All my best, brother.

        • Mary

          Love God- love yourself- Be all you can be— at least you are lucky to be male- there are a lot more females from which to choose ….

      • GuitarGuy

        Hi Rob. Right there with you man. I had some major doubts about life and myself after the fallout. Cut her off and do not contact her. No matter what. I did not know how well this would work, but it did. There’s a lot to find out about yourself, and this is the time to reach down and put Rob’s best foot forward. I am a nice and giving person who thought I would not get through it. I will, and so will you. Lean on your good friends and family. Get it out and start a new normal. I have faith in us both buddy. Cheers to new beginnings.

  • Nick

    It’s insane how well-timed this article is for me. The line I keep reading over and over again: “If this is the love of your life, and I mean the real love of your life, it will work out.”

    • Andy

      You can’t make that happen, though, as hard as that may sound. You may WANT it to happen, but it probably doesn’t until you’ve actually moved on with your life, seen what else the world has to offer and healed.

      I went through a really bad breakup in my mid-20s. REALLY bad. I thought she was the one, I didn’t allow myself time to heal for a good 2+ years (no joke) and just kept trying to bide time until she realized we were meant for each other. On a whim I took a job in another city, allowed myself to experience what the world had to offer and met another fantastic girl who I’m now engaged to. The scary part? The ex I spent years staying miserable over called me the DAY I met the new lady. It’s just how the world works.
      You’ll be ok, bud. I don’t even remember what my ex looks like anymore.

      • Nick

        Thanks, reading your story was helpful. I should have specified, I re-read that line not because I’m holding out hope that things will work out with this girl, but because if they don’t then that means she isn’t the real love of my life. I’m also in my mid-20s and am about to start my medical residency next summer (as is she), so it is very likely that I will be living in a new city and not in the same city as her. If things don’t work out then I look forward to having a similar experience you did, seeing what the rest of the world has to offer and hopefully finding something even better.

        • Bradley

          Hey Nick,
          The same thing happened with me. We were great friends the first 2 years of med school and then one night at formal, she came home with me. We hooked up for a month and then started dating full on. It was the best thing, dating my best friend and classmate, but now with residency coming up in the next year and a half, the stars and galaxies would have had to align to make a separation like that work out in the end. She ended things because she wasn’t physically attracted to me anymore, which hurt a lot, but I still know that we have the best time together doing everything else outside the bedroom. I’ve needed a good kick in the butt to get into better shape, and since I’m turning 25 next month, now seems to be the perfect time to get started. Oh yea, we broke up yesterday.

        • Mary

          ” Medical Residency” are you crazy? Your life is just beginning- A single healthcare provider will not be single long….

  • Jarred Sawyer

    Thanks Chris, great article!

  • Ryan

    This article hits close to home. I’m a senior in college, I’ve been dating a girl on and off for the past two years. She broke up with me because she thought I was going to hurt her after I graduate, and I tried to show her I cared. She ended up acting so irrationally and negatively at a love letter I wrote her that she threatened to call the police if I contacted her again. Shit sucks

  • Rob

    Well I found a new job but haven’t been on a date with anyone new yet… can’t seem to find anyone I’m interested in who wants to grab drinks haha :( Any ideas on what to do during the week after work? The gym only takes up so much time and I can’t hang out with friends every day because they have lives and girlfriends to occupy their time.

    • Mary

      Volunteer work—– you get to meet the nicest people with some ideals and not losers in a bar…

  • H-town

    Wow, glad I’m not the only one in this deep dark hole. I just graduated too and after ten years she split (the day before I walked the stage). It’s been a month and although we have have casual sex, she let it slip that she “liked” this previous FTF. What the heck do I do now? Keep banging until I ge a new room mate or let it go altogether and just wash my hands.

    • http://www.primermagazine.com/ Andrew

      The way I see it you have two options. She split after 10 years because she likes someone else, but still comes around for sex. You can 1) Pull up your bootstraps and let her go. She wants to break up and be with someone else, make her live with that decision. By letting her come back around you’re taking the pain of losing you / breaking up away and she gets to have it both ways at your expense. 2) Say “Fuck this shit.” and go get her back. Tell her how you feel. Tell her what you want. She may not go for it, but at least you’ll know one way or another.

  • anon

    Left her, dated around, got productive, started my own business, attained success, and years later I still dream about her every. fucking. night.

  • Azlan(my)

    Thanks man.. We’ve been together for couple of years already and have so many memories.. I don’t even know how this happen.. she just left me for someone else in a blink of an eye.. ahaha.. Well, your article helped me.. Thumbs up!

  • Elifrit

    I am a wimp and a pushover, I’ve always thought the woman who would love me would do it as I am. things were going great between the two of us then she started getting angry at me for no good reason and would stop speaking to me. I had to bear with her moodyness but wasnt allowed to be angry or sad myself.
    sounds like a bad deal but I wanted to stick for longer, once her anger disappeared she would become the sweetest woman alive.
    now I feel I wont ever find a good woman
    I do know things will get better though.

    • William

      Hey. My wife left home after 12 years together. Been just over 2 months of gut wrenching pain guilt shame and a lot of tears. Iv tried everything I can to win her back and probably pushed her further away. Starting to slowly realise that I have a life to live and there’s a world outside these 4 walls. Two steps forward & one step back but I am starting to think that I’ll get there. If you reading these comments its because your feeling like we all have. Keep your dignity and give nothing away. Good luck gents

  • Former

    This is great advice for women too. After releasing a video game addicted and sexually ambiguous male buddy to his destiny and reclaiming my singlehood, I sold everything and moved to another country. It’s only been a month, but it’s awesome: men here are more masculine. It’s healing being someplace women are valued. I’ve taken your advice, and you’re right: You do get over it. I just wish I could sleep around with everything in sight the way dudes do. It feels like a waste being prudish with all this interested heterosexual dick wanting me. Any tips on how to sleep around like a guy?

    • hola

      yeah call me

      • Former

        Lol, but it’s not the number of available interested guys that is the problem. The obstacle is as a woman I don’t have whatever circuit in me there is that makes me want to just hop on what’s standing there. I think that’s a gift God gave just to men.

        It well and truly sucketh. :(

        • chuck.barrick

          My ex started out like a sexual superhero for the first year of our relationship. She would give me oral (preferred that I didn’t reciprocate; although I would have gladly). We would engage in sexual activities in every room of the house, in the car and anywhere else we could get some time alone. Then she went on a vacation, came home and the sex came to a screeching halt.

          I tried all sorts of different things but the sex was gone. I spent the next year and a half “waiting” for her to get her libido back and it certainly took a toll on my emotions and my everyday demeanor. When I asked her about the lack of sex she would just get defensive, give a very short excuse (not happy with body, stress at work) and then get angry if I brought it up again, saying things like “we already talked about that, I told you already what it is.”

          Well, then one day she came over and broke up with me telling me that I changed. Well, what guy wouldn’t change if his sex life was stolen from him?

          I rode it out for about a year and half with nothing more passionate than a dry handjob every couple months. I stuck around because I loved her and she ended up tearing my heart out.

          Do women fake their sexual prowess just to land a guy? Or worse, do they engage in crazy sexual adventures in the beginning just to get revenge on an ex? It sounds to me like you’re sexual interests are targeted at getting revenge on your ex in some twisted way…

  • Joe

    I just lost who I thought was the love of my life after four years. I just got to college and not only do I feel hurt, I’m alone and I can’t focus on school because of her. She says she needs space but we all know what it really means… I just don’t know what to do anymore and I’m slipping into a dark hole I don’t know how to climb out of. If anyone has advice I really could use it

    • http://www.primermagazine.com/ Andrew

      Hey Joe, I have been exactly where you are. (Broke up after 9 years) I know it won’t help immediately but it does get better. There will be a moment when you’re surprised at seeing a photo of her doesn’t break you down. There will be a moment when you meet someone new and you have the thought, “Holy shit my ex wasn’t as cool in this way and this way and this way and this new girl doesn’t do that thing I hated that my ex did…” So you will get there.

      Until then focus on yourself. Go to the gym or run everyday. Set a schedule. If classes are at different times every day create a weekly one. Monday at 530pm, Tuesday at 130pm… Working out is the single best thing you can do for yourself right now. It will help unload some of your stress and will help you feel like you have something that you’re working toward.
      Start a journal and any time you’re feeling heavy sit down and write. This isn’t a diary meant to be a great read, it’s a physical outlet for the million emotions swirling in your head that have overloaded you. When you’re feeling angry, sit down and write why you’re feeling angry. Then try to write a response to that, based on what you’ve written, write down why SHOULDN’T you be angry? Feeling alone? Write what you’re thinking about that’s making you feel that way. Then explain why you’re not alone – you have some best friends from growing up, you’re meeting new people every day, you have family you can call if you just want to have a conversation. Do this with anything that you’re feeling. I had a specific moment when I was doing this when I came to realize my negative thoughts were wrong, I can still remember it. And it’s gotten better and better ever since.

      Consider meditation. A lot of people try meditation and quiet because they can’t silence their mind. That’s not the point of meditation. The point of meditation is to sit, relax and ATTEMPT to quiet your mind. And when you realize you’ve been thinking about something for 5 minutes acknowledge it. “Holy shit, I’ve been thinking about this in the back of my mind all day.” That can help allow you to push certain things away. It’ll help you realize that your ex can’t make you feel anything – alone, betrayed, unloved. The only person who can make you feel these ways are you. And at any moment you can decide, “I’m not going to allow myself to feel unloved, because I know it’s not true. It didn’t work out with her for whatever reason – that’s all.”

      And if you’re finding everything to be overwhelming and debilitating, find a therapist you can talk to. I’ve done it. Lots of guys have done it. It can really help. And most colleges have resources you can use, just go to the health center and inquire. I promise it’ll be worth your time.

      Good luck Joe. I know it hurts and it sucks big time. It’ll get better.

      • Pranay

        I ve had my breakup with my gf recently

        .i ve spent 3 years of great time together..we were planning to marry after some time . lately she went home on a leave and her marriage got fixed.Post that she blocked me from everywhere. It is been a very tough time .She sits next to me in the office and there is no connection anymore. I want to talk to her but she has blocked me from everywhere..Pls suggest how can I forget her..and focus on my life

  • Wendel Toliver

    This article is quite relevant for me. My fiancee left and we were starting to build a family together with kids, house and the fence out front. It’s been a rocky road for months now but this article and several other factors have helped me exponentially. One in particular is knowing the difference between accepting and managing my emotions & letting them manage me and become overwhelming. Learning how, when & who to open up to has helped me as well. So thanks for this article because men have feelings too.

  • araht

    just stumbled into this, but what about those guys that after two weeks jump into a new relationship? My boyfriend for 15 months, whom I lived with and applied for a partner visa with, as our plan was to get married and have a family, broke up with me a month ago. Two weeks later he has a new girlfriend, and has taken her on the trip that I was supposed to go on with him and his friends. Im still in my country, and haven’t even gotten my stuff. Im totally heartbroken and cant even function but apparently he’s doing fine, or is he? some weeks before he wanted to marry me, and wanted me to just sort it out with my family (who were having difficulties copying that I would be living overseas forever), and begged me to come back to him.. How is he getting over me so quickly?

  • Joel Sliver

    Hello friends! My Name is Zamid from USA i have had a lot about DR DROS on his good work, for bringing back lost relationship but i never believe because so many spell caster scam me because of my husband who left me and three kids over a year and two months. so a good friend of mine introduce me to Dr Dros just because my condition was so bad and the responsibility in my matrimonial home was more than me. my husband left me to another woman just because i don’t have male child for him. so i email DR DROS and told him everything, he told me not to worry that my husband will come back and i will have a male child for him. he only told me to believe on him that after casting the spell my husband will come back immediately and beg for forgiveness. he real did it for me and my husband come back to me in the nest two days. i was very happy and thanks dr freedom. so, i was in this situation (April 18 2015) i told Dr Dros that i will start shearing his testimony to every one in the word if he make me to have a male child to my husband. and he also did it as am shearing this testimony to every one out dear, that am with my new bouncy baby boy. now i believe that i am the happiest woman on earth because Dr Dros restore my life in my matrimonial home you can thank him for me or email him for urgent help in any bad situation i promise you he will also help you; his email address is [email protected]. or website: http://drossuvas.weebly.comm,,,

  • Rory

    I’m currently going through this quite badly. I had been with my ex for two and a half years and I had taken on her child as my own – I had just turned 22 when we got together and I met her daughter when she was just 6 months old. So in that sense, I have lost two loves. I threw myself so deep in to her life to make it work but she changed in the later 5 months of our relationship after getting on to an under-grad apprenticeship. Over time, she obviously just wanted the ‘single-student’ lifestyle and me and her daughter don’t really fit in to that. Some of the hardest things for me are the break in routine, the audacity and lack of respect/ appreciation and the crashing lows after feeling high and free. It’s quite tough learning to do things for yourself and not for somebody else. But a great thing that I can take from it is the person it has made me today, I took on incredible responsibility and pressure – and I can only feel proud of myself for that. ‘There’s nowt so queer as folk’ I guess, I think that the most important thing that any of us is to walk away with our heads held high, with NO regrets. It all comes down to strength of character and moral fibre. For anyone going through this, I wish you all the best!

  • Scurl

    The girl I was ready to call my live and love bumped me out of the nowhere. We both were happy the short 3 months we were really together, but i really felt that she was the one. And she told me she does so. I believed her. I believed in her. It came more then just suddenly. For no real reasons she just wanted to ‘cancel that whole thing’. Of course I begged or cried, I don’t even remember it right. And so she said that she is just not that determined if it is real love. And she would like to stay friends til she’s determined. I wrote her so many letters, dedicated her so many words. More then I thought i could speak.
    And she just tells me, that she would like to love me, to keep experiencing all these things we did. But she can’t. She got a feeling that lets her stand so insecure about her other feelings, that she just wants to quit. And so she did.
    Of course, ‘If she’s is the REAL love, it wouldn’t have happened”. And so I have to admit that I’m maybe not her real love. But she definitally was mine. And so she will ever be. I can’t look at her, can’t meet her. I can’t even get back my stuff I kept laying there all the time.
    I can’t cope imagining her being happy without me. Either alone or with an other guy. I can’t imagine someone doing all these things with her, we both used to share.
    And i don’t know how to get over this feeling. Sure this post helped me a lot of understanding what exactly is going on inside of me and what could help. But I’m not quiet sure if I want to be helped. And I’m sure that the more i forget about it, the more it hurts, because I don’t want to forget it.
    Of course I will get over it. And if it takes years, but I will. And that fact leaves me breathless. It frightens me. As it fears me that this also apllies to her – and she has chosen it.

    • http://www.primermagazine.com/ Andrew

      I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I went through a similar thing after a 9 year relationship, so I know how tough it is. Hang in there.

    • GuitarGuy

      Best thing I read after my terrible break up also:

      “She took a long hard look at you said to herself, I’m going to try my luck somewhere else”.

      When SHE made that decision, being your friend, or any other contact for that matter, is now taken off life’s great menu of things she gets to enjoy.

      Make that realization to yourself that one person in the world does not have the authority or power over your feelings. Stand tall with that and say it every day. You have the power, and you snagged one girl you liked, you can snag another that will improve your life and not make you feel horrible.

      Hope you get back on your feet. It’s hard, but it will make you a far better person.

      Cheers man.

  • Mary

    “There’s absolutely nothing you can do to force someone to love you or to want to be with you. ” No truer words were ever spoken… Teach your children early and well. Teach them to love God first, then themselves- anything else that is meant to be, will be…

  • Tj Wolbert

    Hey fellas, I came here hoping to get some advice from some wiser and older people. Im only 20 and have lots to learn.. I just got out of a 3 year relationship. Just like you guys i thought she was the one, i joined the union carpenters to make better money to support us. I got really comfortable and basically depended on her for happiness. I got her pregnant and 6 weeks later she miscarried. 5 months down the road she starts getting really controlling to the point of having no family nor friends, this drove me insane. I had enough and went out to dinner with my mom, my girlfriend comes home and starts asking crazy questions “Did you fuck your mom?” “Hows the cunt?” this triggerd me and i pushed her off the bed and she hit her head on the end table. I went to jail for 5 days for domestic violence. I also lost my home. Its been 2 months since this happend. I know how i reactd was erong so please no negative feedback as my life has changed dramatically because 1 bad impulse decision. I cant stop thinking about her even when things are clearly over. Im going nuts

    • STLMaddawg

      TJ, It hurts to lose someone, but you will recover and you have plenty of time to find someone else. I know how you feel because I went through it at your age and am going through a breakup where I was dumped for another guy after 5 years. When you’re on the wrong end of a breakup it never feels good or is easy to get over. You have to go through the process…all of it. Don’t build walls like I use to do to protect your heart because you will end up keeping the right women out and allowing the wrong ones in. I am 57 (a young 57) and my ex is 42. We just split up 3 weeks ago and after several text/phone discussions I am letting go. It’s hard. It’s never been easy to walk away from someone you loved so hard. Plus, I’m worried because I’m not young like you and my window of opportunity to find that special one may be closing. If you get nothing else from my advice take the “Don’t become bitter and build walls to protect yourself” to heart. It has kept me out of good relationships and repeating bad ones. If you become bitter and build a wall around you the good women will see it, respect that you don’t want to get hurt, and stay away. The bad ones will be out to conquer you and then break you.

  • Alex

    I could not have found this article at a more perfect time, I feel lost in my current relationship and am scared of being single. After reading this I feel like I can actually follow up with the break up and remain single until I find myself again.

    • GuitarGuy

      Good mind set. Hang in there. I’m in the same boat as you. The sun shines again when you take off the blinders of “love”. All the best to you going forward.

  • Rodney Stevens

    Hey guys my girlfriend broke up with me just a few days ago but honestly I saw it coming for months now when I was trying to get back she told me she needed a week to think about us however at the time I didn’t know she was with a rebound guy I was devastated we started talking back to each other and I thought we were on the mend until we got into a fight that scarred her emotionally just when things were about to go good however she hit me with the we need to talk phrase and said she lost all feelings for me and that trying to go back would not be fair because she would be pretending to love me and hurt me more I cried like a baby the hard part is we have a son together so it makes it harder

  • Christopher W Reed

    Wow I wish I would have found this article a few weeks ago. I had been having some really bad stress and anxiety over the last few months – and then ended up losing my very lucrative job due to it. And then not 2 weeks later she couldn’t deal with my instabilities (no one should have to honestly) and so she broke up with me. Said that she didn’t see our future the way I wanted it – and that she still loved me dearly and wanted to stay friends…
    Initially we had contact via text and FB messages – but it seemed to only prolong the hurt. I kept telling myself I wanted to know *she* was okay – never if *I* was. I didn’t matter to me. I am one of those types that pours myself into a relationship, and I’m learning that isn’t very healthy. I gave her breakup coping sites, and many of them had to do with “no contact” – and so she “no contacted” – that was over a month ago. Now, she is still on my friend’s list (my counselor advised NOT deleting her, that that was just a call for attention) but we haven’t spoken since mid August.
    A couple days ago I wrote an update on what was going on and what had happened on FB, but didn’t name names. I’m pretty sure she’s going to read it eventually, and in some sick way I’m hoping she pulls the trigger on our “friendship” as I find myself unable to let her go, and I know I need to. I’m hurt, confused, and constantly trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I know I’m an intensely self-blaming person, and unfortunately seem to be a drama junky.
    I want to KNOW I’m going to get over this. Over her. And not lose myself in the process.