It’s a question common to many a beauty pageant contestant. “If you could have a meal with any person from history, who would it be?” Well, we’re posing that question again here, only the answer this time isn’t going to be Abraham Lincoln. Using the latest in objective scientific methods we have selected the four coolest people from the five most important parts of our culture from the last century: film, music, sports, literature, and kicking ass (and by “objective” I mean entirely subjective, and by scientific I mean we picked the ones we liked the most).
So, what is that you ask? If I could break bread with any four people in history, who would they be? How convenient of you to ask!
Steve McQueen
Hallmarks: The Great Escape, Bullitt, The Magnificent Seven
Not only is he the coolest guy of this bunch, he just may be the coolest guy in the history of Earth. McQueen, along with James Dean, is the gold standard of the American anti-hero and he is the all time undisputed smoothest of all movie badasses. He was even nicknamed “The King of Cool”! From his untamable charm to his slick fashion sense McQueen was nothing short of a real life James Bond. Just look at the names of some of the characters he played: The Cincinnati Kid, Thomas Crown, Nevada Smith, “Cooler King” Hilts, Doc McCoy, and of course Frank Bullitt. There are few living men who wouldn’t trade their name for any one of those in a heartbeat. Whether he is escaping from prison, protecting peasants from Mexican banditos, or flying down the streets of San Francisco in a “highland green” Mustang, face it; you are going to want to be Steve McQueen.
Lou Reed
Hallmarks: The Velvet Underground & Nico, The Velvet Underground, Transformer
Black sunglasses? Check. Black leather jacket? Check. Black motorcycle boots? Check. Natural born rebel? Check. The master of the “whatever” attitude, nothing about Lou Reed was ever done to be mainstream. It doesn’t matter if he is singing about life’s simple pleasures, or heroin, or both, Reed has made his whole career by following no one but himself. The original lead singer, guitarist, and principle songwriter for the Velvet Underground, he would later go on to create some very solid solo albums. One of the most influential of the influential songwriters of the late 60s, Reed is the only person to come out of Andy Warhol’s Factory to achieve any real long lasting success (or still be living). In fact, Reed is the only member of this list to still be counted among us, which considering his extensive and well documented drug use, is a feat worth recognition all by itself.
Mickey Mantle
Hallmarks: 7 WS Championships, Most all time walk-off HRs, 1956 Seasons Stats
Mickey Mantle claimed to have never worked out a day in his life, was virtually a life long alcoholic, suffered from Osteomyelitis his entire career, and was still one of the greatest baseball players of all time and possibly the most beloved professional athlete in American history (what am I doing wrong?). Playing for the biggest team in American sports, in the biggest city, Mantle’s “aw shucks” attitude, good looks, and penchant for hitting mammoth homeruns made him an instant fan favorite. How mammoth, you ask? No one has ever hit a fair ball out of Yankee Stadium but Mickey Mantle hit a ball off the façade over the upper deck in right field (where the lights are now situated) twice! He also has hit the two longest homeruns of any player in history at 643 ft. and 565 ft. Both of these estimates are likely longer than the ball’s actual travel in flight but even with some discretion they are by far the longest official homerun measurements. The greatest switch-hitter of all time and fastest man to ever play for the Yankees, Mantle played in a time when the public didn’t know or care to know about their heroes’ vices. To this day, he is probably the most beloved Yankee in a long list of incredible athletes. Forever the small town Oklahoma farm boy, Mickey Mantle truly embodied the spirit of an average Joe with supernatural ability and was every bit aware of the sensation he caused. On one occasion, Mantle was asked by a reporter how often he went up to the plate trying to hit a homerun. Mantle answered; “Every time.”
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Hallmarks: Cat’s Cradle, Breakfast of Champions, Slaughterhouse-Five
The man who called smoking Pall Mall cigarettes “A classy way to commit suicide,” no one, not even the characters he has written, fit better into the term “anti-hero” than Kurt Vonnegut Jr. Author of three of the greatest books in American literature, Vonnegut has an unforgettable, ingeniously simple style all his own. From his matter-of-fact tone in describing horrific violence or child-like insight into the darkest facets of human nature, Vonnegut has an undeniable knack for simplifying the complex and trivializing what we hold deathly serious. Vonnegut, a WWII POW, abhorred violence of any sort and showed it in his works by filling them with crude, foolish, and deranged characters that recklessly destroy everything in their path. So it goes. This king of satire’s wry sense of humor wasn’t limited to his books, in a 2005 interview the then 83-year-old Vonnegut joked about suing Pall Mall for not killing him as their packaging “promised” to do. Vonnegut threw away society’s conventions and stood against all nationalist ideals in favor of a far greater, far reaching cause. Kurt Vonnegut Jr. didn’t just love America, he loved humanity, and he had a hell of a way of showing it.
Bruce Lee
Hallmarks: Enter the Dragon, Way of the Dragon, The Big Boss
You think Chuck Norris is a bad ass? Well, Bruce Lee killed Chuck Norris. To ignore the coolness of Bruce Lee is to deny the existence of cool altogether. Pretty much anytime you see someone kick someone’s ass, you have Bruce Lee to thank for what you just witnessed. Popularizing a completely foreign sport isn’t easy (just ask David Beckham) but Lee did just that with Martial Arts, and not just in America, but worldwide. His movies, particularly Enter the Dragon, paved the way for every Martial Arts-based action movie since and Lee’s distinct fighting style is still paid homage regularly on screen. Everything from MMA to the Tae Kwon Do academy in your home town have Bruce Lee to thank for being on this earth, and you had better recognize.
