The Modern Day Bad Boy: Introducing The Good Guy

It seems as if the day is upon us, fellow gentlemen. The time of nice guys finishing last has come and gone. It's simple: play them at their own game. Brooke shows us how.

It’s the classic contradiction. The burly football player throws an innocent freshman into a locker…and girls swoon. You get an award for being the kindest person in America…and nothin’.  Girls love to be your friend, and even worse, they love to ask your advice about guys. Like, did she not get the memo? You’re straight…and you want her. Duh.

Yes, you’re a good guy. Always have been…always will be. And we’ve all gotten the memo, good guys are known to finish last. But, not anymore…

Sweetheart, I have some great-fabulous-wonderful news for you. You, kind-hearted good guy are about to win the race. The bad boys have shoved themselves into a corner by following their rules for far too long, and good guys have never looked so, well…good. You’re about to get what you deserve. Swooning.

Introducing, the new modern day bad boy…the good guy. Here’s the deal:

Bad boys have created, marketed, and solidified a ton of dating rules throughout the years. Rules like don’t flatter a girl too much or too soon, never say I love you first, and never never call a girl less than 3 days after getting her number…just to name a few. Bad boys have followed their own rules for years…but it’s 2010 and we’re evolving–as in, women are over the game player asshole who thinks pretending she doesn’t exist will make her more interested. Announcement: the kind of woman you want to date has a brain large and functional enough to walk away from that kind of BS before you can say “I’ll call you”. But, maintaining our position as the more confusing of the sexes…we still like our men a little bad.

As it turns out, the bad boys made bad rules, but rules nonetheless. And the good guys follow them, like good guys do. And following rules can be, well, a little too good…to be bad.

If good guys start breaking bad boy rules, they can have the best of both worlds. They will remain their good-self by not following the lead of the bad boys…but by breaking rules, any rules, they’ll decorate themselves in the very sex appeal that bad boys are known for. Brilliant.

So, stop following the rules and be bad, as in sexy…stay good, as in kind. Be a good-bad boy, as in modern…and dreamy.

So how do you break the bad boy rules in a good guy way? Here’s how, example and all…

Breaking bad boy rules in a good guy way is a three step process:

State the rule (insert personality — dry, sarcastic, etc.): Hi Brooke. This is Jason from the bar last night. So, I know there’s this rule about not calling girls so soon after you meet them. Be a bad boy, break the rule: but I’m not really one for rules, so I figured I would just pick up the phone Be good, and show the bad boys who the real man is: Though, I’m also chivalrous, so if you’re into that rule, I’m happy to call you back in a few days.

Done and done. Honest, strong, kind. Sign me up for Jason…a good boy, with some bad. Let the swooning begin.

So, let’s recap: It’s good to be good. But women want it all. We want a good, trustworthy guy who will respect us and follow through, but we also want a bad boy who goes against the grain, breaks some rules, takes some risks, and shows us that he’s got a pair.

If you break the bad boy rules, you get to treat women the way your good guy self knows is right…and women will love you like you're bad.

Welcome to the new bad boy my loves…Being a good guy has never been so sexy. See I told you, great news.

Born in Detroit and raised in Chicago, Brooke Miller, MA is now a San Francisco based advice columnist and relationship expert. Her column, Soapbox Therapy, has been called “ Raw, honest, thought-provoking, and wisely witty” by readers and critics and can be read in several publications including The SF Chronicle’ s affiliate, TheIsCollection, and Cheeky Chicago. Brooke supports clients all over the country via Skype and phone coaching sessions. She can be contacted at brooke(a)


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  • Great article. very interesting take on things.

    Even if you read all the “pickup” blogs out there now, they promote being a bad boy.

    Do you think that it is this way because younger girls havnt had enough exsperience to know that they want the “good boy” you talk about??

  • Reply July 29, 2010

    Jamie Fellrath

    I think part of the reason that the Bad Boy thing works is that the bad boys appear to be more confident, which is what really attracts ladies. This Good Guy attitude is still confident, but he doesn’t feel he has to be an asshole to do it.
    .-= Jamie Fellrath´s last blog ..On Staying Positive – Even Under Duress =-.

  • Reply July 29, 2010


    Schmidty and Jamie,

    That’s a really good point — there’s a difference between ‘nice guys’ and Good Guys. The Good Guy is confident and assured in his actions, like in Brooke’s telephone example. Now if the ‘nice guy’ did the same thing but was nervous and tip-toeing it certainly wouldn’t have the attractive take-charge appeal.

    Thanks for reading and adding to the discussion!
    .-= Andrew´s last blog ..The Modern Day Bad Boy- Introducing The Good Guy =-.

  • Reply July 29, 2010


    Schmidty and Jamie,

    YES YES YES and Yes!

    Jamie, you’ll love the last Soapbox article, Sexy Self Esteem 101, check it out and let us know what you think!

    And Schmidty…(I just had to respond darlin 🙂 Younger girls TEND to be insecure and more unsure of their value so they’re attracted to the guy who treats every girl like crap so then maybe oh maybe, they will become the ONE girl who is different, aka “change him” and be treated well. It’s not about her love for a bad boy, it’s about her need to find someone to help her prove to herself that she’s special…because she has yet to figure it out on her own…

    BUT mature and wiser women, ya know, the type that a real Primer kinda’ guy wants to be with…she already knows she’s a damn great catch and she doesn’t need any bad boy bullshit to help her prove it. So, be a good guy, get a good woman. Unless of course, an insecure girl whose ultimate hope is to change you is what you’re into– and in that case, go forth and be an asshole. You’ll do well for yourself. Just sayin’ 🙂

    thanks for reading, you sexy good guys, you.

  • Reply July 29, 2010


    I think ladies are definitely starting to like the good guys now

  • Reply August 3, 2010



    Just when i thought no one ‘get’s it’, i stumble upon your post.

    Glad to know there are women out there who truly DO want a man who possesses strength, honesty, and kindness…i.e. not JUST spine/balls (asshole) nor JUST a heart (nice guy) but a BALANCE of the two. This is an amazing read and I’m really grateful that you understand, appreciate, and speak to the value of the Good Guy.

    – JG

    p.s. I checked out soapboxtherapy. Very cool. I’ve sent some of my friends your way 🙂

  • Reply August 10, 2010


    What a forgetful gentleman likes about Ms. Miller’s article is two-fold:

    1) She suggests that a man acting consistent to his character is the right way to go.

    2) Building awareness of many of the social customs swirling around us allows men to improve the quality of interactions with people.

    So go out and break some of the “bad boy” rules rather than your own…or just wait until your late 20’s when women start appreciating the consistency and selflessness of the modern day gentleman.

    This article inspired me to write one of my first blog entries here:

  • Reply July 22, 2014


    There is a difference between being a “good guy” and being a “nice guy”. A good guy acts out of his more noble character and is himself without expectations of being rewarded for his “good” behavior. A nice guy acts gallant and chivalrous with the assumption that he will ultimately be rewarded with a relationship and sex. The nice guy identifies himself as a man not like those other mean men that treat women badly. No, he is a nice guy. You can usually tell a nice guy by the way they intervene on behalf of women white knighting their way into a situation in defense of some fair maiden against those “bad” men. Upphhh… I can’t stand “nice guys”. A good guy, however, has a positive attitude toward life and others and is going about his business and he might like you, fair maiden, to join him on his journey either for the evening or perhaps longer. But he isn’t nice for the purpose of being rewarded or establishing himself as different than other men so therefore you should sleep with him. He is nice because decent people are nice to one another and he is in fact decent.

  • Reply April 5, 2015


    well, you almost got me. You and everyone in the planet know very well that you don’t harbor even a shred of respect for nice guys and always go after the jerk who treats you mean. Just don’t pretend that nice guys stand a chance. I don’t blame you for your choices, it’s in your genes. what you refer to as nice guys here are the ones to be blamed since they insist on the same m.o. despite getting the same results. Brothers, never call sooner than 5 days! 🙂 That’s how you weed out daddy’s little princess.

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