Brooke on Boys: Why Valentine’s Day Matters

Listen, we know you're not that into Valentine's Day - neither are we. But that doesn't matter, because it's not about us, or even our relationships. Listen to Brooke as she fills you in on the real reason this day matters.

Though red is definitely my color, I’ve never been one for candy hearts and to be honest, having cupid's arrow soaring towards my heart sounds anything but romantic. But whether your sweet gorgeous woman (or woman you wish was your woman) claims to be into it or not, Valentine's Day presents itself year after year…along with her curiosity about what you’re really made of. With Primer’s permission (thanks guys), I’m going to make sure you don’t screw it up this time. So, listen up.

First lesson: Valentine's Day matters. This really isn’t debatable my darlings, just trust me on this one.

Second lesson: Valentine's Day matters because…

Because it’s not really about Valentine's Day…it’s a metaphor. Really? Yes, really.

Valentine's Day is a metaphor for every other moment throughout the entire duration of your relationship when the woman in your life needs and wants and hopes you are able to joyfully and proudly step out of your way, and make it about her.

Valentine's Day is a holiday decorated with girly-pink-sparkly-chocolate-flowery-hearts…and and and. February 14th could not be less stereotypically masculine if it tried. Although this holiday may not be about you, it is in fact, for you. It gifts you the opportunity to demonstrate the kind of guy you can be when put in a situation that is not about you. It shows that beautiful human being you’re lucky to be with that you, you amazing man, are able to show up selflessly to any occasion.


Valentine's Day gives your crush or girlfriend or fiancé or wife, either a taste or a reminder (women love being reminded) of your ability to care about things not because you care about them, but because you care about her…and she cares about things. Get it?

Women know very well that Valentine's Day doesn’t particularly matter to you, but making it matter to you, simply and solely for her…now that’s a guy worth being with.

An acknowledgment of the day, a card, flowers, or even a romantic gift like a massage or spa treatment (hint hint) shows your capacity to put yourself aside even if she doesn’t ask you to–especially if she doesn’t ask you to… and put her first.

Still confused? No worries, just think about it this way…

Think about how you feel when a girl is willing to participate in or watch the sport you love, or the hobby you adore, or the movie you’re obsessed with. You know she’s not that into it, but doesn’t it feel good to know that she’s willing to show up simply because she cares about you that much? It shows you that she isn’t selfish, that she’s willing to be open to the things that are important to you, even if they’re not important to her. Yeah, Valentine's Day is like that.

Relationships aren’t about being with someone who cares about the exact same things as you do — all the time — in the same moment — every day — for the rest of your life. You are two different human beings, sometimes with different and particular things that matter to you. Valentine's Day is a day to show her that you get it.

So this year on February 14th, show her what you’re really made of. Show her that you have the ability, the understanding, and the humility to show up and allow something that may not necessarily matter to you, matter, because it matters to her…’cause showing her that, well, that’s just good relationship karma.

Let me know how it goes…I can’t wait to hear all about it. (well, not all about it.)

Brooke.

PS. You can thank me later.

Original drawing by Cristina Cazan

Born in Detroit and raised in Chicago, Brooke Miller, MA is now a San Francisco based advice columnist and relationship expert. Her column, Soapbox Therapy, has been called “ Raw, honest, thought-provoking, and wisely witty” by readers and critics and can be read in several publications including The SF Chronicle’ s affiliate, TheIsCollection, and Cheeky Chicago. Brooke supports clients all over the country via Skype and phone coaching sessions. She can be contacted at brooke(a)primermagazine.com.