New Month, New Muscle: Getting Ripped Faster Than Any Other Primer Article Can [April Fools ’09]

New Month, New Muscle: Getting Ripped Faster Than Any Other Primer Article Can [April Fools ’09]

If you want to stay competitive in the 21st century, you've got to use 21st century “training” methods.  Let 1999 Central County High baseball washout Ronnie “The Hammer” Walsh give you all the facts on getting diesel in the gym faster than you ever thought possible.

By Ronnie “The Hammer” Walsh

This is a special April 1, 2009 edition.

The other day I was looking at my body in the mirror and was like “whoa, that dude is ripped!” I am a big fan of Primer and it's articles (mainly the accompanying pictures) but I saw all the work out articles and felt they were lacking something. I thought I'd throw my hat into the ring and give the readers some of my philosophies on getting jacked way faster and better than some  complicated multiphase plan. I'll start from the beginning:

When I was growing up, all I cared about was baseball. Playing it, working out to be better at it, watching it on TV. I didn't care about school and since I was putting up sick numbers (.320-10-75) the teachers, heck, the whole town let me coast! Drinking, smoking up at parties, whatever as long as the numbers kept coming I was gold! Those were the good old days.

Anyhow the sport of baseball really piqued my interest in 1998 with the great home run battle between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. Each day the papers would have a little chart indicating who had hit a homer and what record pace they were on. I always wondered why Mark and Sammy were able to suddenly get these insane numbers! Unfortunately by the time Mark McGwire reached famous number 62, I had been kicked off the baseball team because of some bullshit rape charges. Luckily the whole ordeal made me realize that I didn't even care about baseball. I really just loved the drive to work out as much as I could, emulating my power hitting heroes.

It took me years to figure out their secret but I'll never forget the day that I did. It was my 7th year of high school and I had forgotten to smoke up before health class. Since I wasn't under the influence I was forced to listen as my teacher droned on about something called steroids. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't help but notice all the benefits he was listing: reduction of fat, increased muscle, 5-20% of baseline strength! He even said the best results showed up in bench press, which as you know is arguably the most rad exercise available.

Anyway, after hearing all these positive effects of steroids I didn't need to hear anymore on the subject and as luck would have it my friend J-Bone passed me some mushrooms and we tripped balls for the rest of class. As soon as the bell rang and the drugs wore off, I went straight to my dealer, Alan The Wolf (it's just a nickname, he's not really a wolf), and obtained some of these steroids. Ever since then I've been getting super ripped, super fast.

Now look, I know some people will tell you that steroids are bad for you, that they have negative side effects or that it's cheating or some crap. But through the years I've found ways around all of these negative roadblocks and that's what I most wanted to share with the readers of Primer.

Your philosophy is the most important thing about working out, steroid use aside. So even for you clean users (aka cl-users pronounced c-losers), I've made a little acronym regarding my philosophies to follow: S.T.E.R.O.I.D.

S – stands for Specifics.

Why do you want to get fuckin' diesel, specifically? “I wanna loose weight and be ripped as shit.” Doesn't count bro. It could be getting chicks to have sex with you, being better at sports, the ability to lift heavy things such as cars, or even vigilante justice. It's up to you but it has to be specific. For me it's lifting cars to impress chicks in order to have sex with them.

T – stands for Time.

It's a scientific fact: cutting corners saves time. The more time you have, the more you can work out, the stronger you are.

“This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.”
Narrator, Fight Club

E – stands for Energy.

Specifically energy drinks. Look, we all have jobs that keep us busy all day. When I'm behind the counter at Subway, I wish I could be working out but I can't (I wanted to tell corporate to eat a dick and work out anyways but they got my balls in a bind due to the sexual harassment case).

Anyway, my point is that since I have to work I need to take time from somewhere else to work out more. Cleverly, I take time from sleep thanks to energy drinks such as Monster, Pit Bull or Ed Hardy (who also makes sick clothes). NOTE: Technically Red Bull is for pussies but if you have to drink it I won't hold it against you.

“You told me to use any tactic that works…”
Jean Claude Van Damne, Bloodsport

R – stands for Ripped.

The most important part of getting ripped is being ripped. I know it sounds like a “which came first: chicken or egg” type of thing but you'll understand when you're ripped.

“Never give up, never back down!”
Djimon Hounsou, Never Back Down

O – stands for Owesome.

I know it's not a real word. But it's like the word awesome was so ripped, it's A got huge and now looks like an O! And that's the way you'll be described once your ripped.

I – stands for I. As in you.

Take a minute to reflect about why you want to get fuckin' jacked:

  • To Live: you'll look sick! No one will fight you unless they are bigger than you, which will be rare.
  • To Love: so supposedly there are side effects that have to do with love. To those critics I say: WHO CARES? All you gotta do is trick the woman (or man if you're into that) with your amazing body. So what if your genitals are smaller than usual? As long as you get them in the sack and are able to obtain release, you're good to go! It's not your fault (technically) if they aren't stimulated! It might even save you time and trouble.
  • To learn: Learn how much you can REALLY bench!
  • To Leave a Legacy: This is probably the most important one. Dude, how many home runs does Barry Bonds has? THE MOST. EVER. And before that? Mark McGwire. And you don't get a rad nickname like Roger “The Rocket” Clemens by being weak. You know what they all have in common? Steroids. How can you not want to be ripped?!?

“Mother can't you see I've got to live my life the way I feel is rightfor me might not be right for you but it's right for me…”
-Sarah McLachlan, singer/songwriter

D – stands for D.I.C.K.

It's another acronym I made up about people who have yet to decide if they want to get jacked that is within the larger S.T.E.R.O.I.D. one:

  • D – stands for Decision. You need to decide right now: are you gonna get ripped or not? If not, just stop reading. Actually, don't. Maybe the next few letters will convince you.
  • I – stands for Incredible. It's incredible if you still haven't decided to get jacked. If you're not willing to get jacked maybe this article isn't for you. So listen, if you're not gonna get diesel, just stop reading this. What's the point? It's really frustrating that I've spent all this time giving you my wisdom and you still won't get ripped. Wait, I'm sorry keep reading, I'll convince you at some point I'm sure.
  • C – stands for Christ. As in Christ, why can't you just let me have some sort of legacy?! I've spent all this time using steroids and getting ripped but the world is passing me by! What have I done with my life? HAD A FLASH IN THE PAN HIGH SCHOOL BASEBALL CAREER? WORK AT SUBWAY? BUT I'M DOING MY BEST! I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU THE GIFT OF BECOMING SUPER DIESEL, SUPER FAST. IF YOU WON'T GET DIESEL SUPER FAST THEN…FINE. I'LL STILL HAVE MY PECS AND ABS AND…AND…OH GOD, MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. IF I DIED RIGHT NOW, NO ONE WOULD CARE.

In Loving Memory:

Ronnie “The Hammer” Walsh