A Treatise on Toilet Behavior: Are You a Gentleman in the Little Boy’s Room?

If a man's home is his castle, then his throne room is clearly the bathroom. All kingly rights vanish immediately outside of his domicile, making ventures into public bathrooms akin to marching into an unkempt barbarians doodoo hut. In an effort to make this traumatic ordeal more manageable, we present to you tips on bathroom etiquette to make all of our lives a little more civil.
Photo By Cade

Going to the bathroom in public can be a traumatic experience.  We've all heard horror stories of poop handprints or lived through the utter terror of some urine soaked hellhouse, or just been saddled up next to some creepy dude who stands a little to gross.  With that in mind, I've come up with a few guidelines to bathroom etiquette to make the experience safer and more relaxing.

Eye Contact

Eye contact in the restroom should be expressly forbidden.  I mean seriously, what are you thinking?  Searching for your new bff over a shared waste elimination moment?  It seems odd to me that the only time people manage to make solid eye contact is not when talking business or telling jokes, but rather unzipping their pants.  Be not proud in the bathroom, do your shameful business while making your presence as invisible as possible.

Talking

In general, talking should be avoided in the restroom.  We're not at a social gathering, we're forced to be here.  If society were more open, I would relieve myself far out into the woods or a secluded corner of the bar where I could be alone with my thoughts.  Now, some talking between friends is acceptable, but only when you're either drunk or really close friends.  Remember – just because you're comfortable enough to hold a conversation with him while holding your dong, doesn't mean he is too.  There's nothing quite as awkward as having a coworker ask how your day is while you've got a firm hold on the hand cannon.

Touching

Basically you want to eliminate all of the five senses.  Taste is an obvious one and touch should be too.  But maybe you've gone through the strange sensation of a slap on the back, or worse a soft shoulder squeeze, while you're at the urinal.  That is so far beyond appropriate that often the victim freezes and begins to feel survivors guilt afterwards, requiring months of expensive therapy to repair.

Photo by MacWagen
Photo by MacWagen

Cleanliness

They say it's next to godliness, but I like to think it's next to the sink in the form of soap.  You're a grown up now.  Even if you weren't, you should still be washing your hands.  Not just after number two, fellas.  Just imagine that you're going to either eat after the bathroom.  Don't spread the germs around, it takes two seconds – wash your hands every time.

Toilets & Urinals

There is a difference.  We live in a grand time where you don't wash clothes and your self in the same tub; we've specialized.  If you need to urinate, you use a urinal if that's an option.  One of the biggest peeves about using a public bathroom is definitely pee on the seat.  You can almost completely eliminate that problem by not peeing in toilets.  The urinal was invented for that.  Fast and simple.

If, in the case of emergency, you need to use the toilet, lift the seat.  And try to avoid peeing on the floor.  Really, just wait for the urinal.  The goal should be to leave the bathroom as clean as possible, not really for the benefit of others, but for yourself.  Imagine how gross the bottom of a shoe or the cuff of a jean is after a trip to the bathroom.

Those are the basics.  By abiding by these, we can streamline the bathroom experience.  It doesn't have to be a place for awkward conversations or a fearful location swimming in pools of urine.  Man up, class up, and do right and we can all live a happier existence.  By working together, we can improve the public bathroom experience.  Yes we can.

Robert Fure is a fitness, lifestyle, and entertainment writer living in Los Angeles. He is also a certified Personal Trainer and the Creator/Editor of Fit and Furious, an online outlet dedicated to the pursuit of a fit lifestyle. His entertainment work can be viewed at Film School Rejects.