Congrats on your awesome new job. Even though you just started, you are about to get your first raise. Now your boss wants to take you out for dinner. No, you’re not sleeping your way to the top, this is strictly business, with your boss and an important client. However, you need to look and act the part, and there are a few things you should know before you even sit down.
For that matter, you’re also planning to go out with your girlfriend’s parents this week. They’re taking you to some fancy place with metal forks and cloth napkins. You borrowed your roommate’s jacket, but you’re a little nervous you might do the wrong thing.
Have no fear. All these questions and more will be answered in our exclusive, one-of-a-kind insider’s guide:
A Gentleman’s Guide to Dinner Manners
By Jesse Stern
You are about to enter an exclusive inner circle. But before we get down to business, this guide applies to pretty much any situation where you’re eating food in public. Dates, business lunches, dinners, meeting the parents, and so on. These ten simple tips take you from the car to the exit sign, without losing your date, your job, or your cool.
Most dates appreciate chivalry. Most older women also enjoy it. But sometimes people get offended, particularly in corporate culture. When should you use it, when not? Here is a general rule that will help you wade through the treacherous waters of chivalry. It’s called The Handsome Rule.
If you’re with a date, or with any female who might refer to you as “handsome,” do it. If you’re with anyone, whom you might refer to as “handsome,” don’t do it.
1. The Car Door
The first step is the car door. When you’re on a date, it’s charming and gentlemanly to open the car door for her. It has an old-school, James Bond vibe to it (Sean Connery, not Daniel Craig).
What about other times?
Her: An excellent first example of the Handsome rule. Open the car door for her if she’s your date, your girlfriend’s mother, or any female who might refer to you as “handsome”. If she’s your boss or your coworker, it’s probably best to let her fend for herself, unless of course you want to flirt.
Tip: don’t flirt with your boss or coworker.
Him: Don’t ever open the car door for a guy unless you’re a limo driver, a valet wearing white gloves, or a rescue worker and his car is on fire.
2. The Sidewalk
If she is wearing fancy clothes, or is at least old enough to have given birth to you, offer an arm. In the old days, when accompanying a woman, the man walked on the outside (street side), to prevent mud from splashing on her clothes. In modern times, the man walks on the outside to offer protection against would-be assailants lurking between parked cars. In even more modern times, and in dense urban areas, men sometimes walk on the inside, to protect against would-be attackers lurking in doorways. In general, when walking with a woman, you should walk on the outside — unless you are legitimately concerned about muggers lurking in doorways.
The sidewalk is a pretty harmless bit of chivalry. Even the most jaded, Doc-Marten-and-flannel-shirt-wearing feminist usually finds this act of courtesy quaint and charming. Most women notice and appreciate it, and you don’t have to make a big deal of it. Just get in the habit.
Switching: You might sometimes have to switch sides to stay on the outside, such as when crossing streets. This is normal, as long as you don’t make a big deal of it. Try to do it super cool, without her noticing. Also think of the situation you’re in, and ease up if it draws attention.
3. The Door
Holding a door open for someone can make you appear suave, or it can make you look like a douchebag. In professional settings, it’s considered polite to open the door for anyone, male or female, and let them through first. On a date, it’s pure sex appeal.
Her: On a date, open the door for her. This will be easiest if you’re on the hinges side of the door. Otherwise, your arm gets in the way. If you can switch ninja-style, before getting to the door, do it.
Him: It is so Alpha Male that he will be intimidated and unmanned by this simple act of kindness. The best way to handle this is to go through, then hold the door open, allowing him to follow. He will then nod submissively, and may mumble “thanks.” It’s also okay to hold the door for a guy if he’s your friend, and you happen to be on the hinges side of the door.
Same trick with crowds. You are obviously not going to stand there for hours, but at least hold on long enough for the next person or two to get through without the door slamming in their face. Wait until someone “handsome” approaches, then let go.
4. The Coat
Her: On a date, especially if it’s formal or dressy, take her coat. Stand behind her and help her take it off, then hang it up for her. This is a super smooth thing to do on a date. Use the Handsome Rule in other situations. In business, don’t take anyone’s coat, unless they are at your house.
Remember, if you’re in a situation causing you to dress up more than normal, your everyday manners need dressed up as well. Taking a woman’s coat may seem awkward and unnatural but that’s only because you’re not in formal settings everyday. If your clothes are formal, your manners should be too.
Him: Don’t ever take a guy’s coat. Awkward.
5. The Chair
Don’t sit down yet, Romeo. Stand behind her chair and pull it out. When she sits down, help her push the chair in closer to the table. Then you can sit down. On a date, cool. Business, not cool.
An older female who might call you “handsome” will be surprised that you are so cultured. She will smile (in the same way that she might smile when looking at pictures of George Clooney), and make a comment about what a gentleman you are. Give her a flirtatious wink and get her phone number later. (If she’s your girlfriend’s mom, best skip this step.)
|Photo by Amanda|
6. The Napkin
I have no idea why, but you should always put your napkin in your lap as soon as you sit down. Especially if it’s a cloth napkin. Especially if you’re trying to impress your boss or girlfriend’s parents. Leave it in your lap until you’re done eating.
If your napkin falls on the floor, don’t pick it up — ask for another one. Same if you drop a fork, spoon, knife, bit of food, toy dinosaur, menu, or chocolate mint. No three-second rule here.
Handsome or not, what lands on the floor … stays on the floor!
7. The Food
People have written entire books on polite eating etiquette. When you’re ready to have dinner with the President, go buy one. Until then, here are a few tips to get you through the meal.
Which fork: If you have more than one fork, this usually means you have more than one “course” or plate of food. Just remember to start on the outside and work in. Use the outside fork and leave it on your plate when you’re done.
Save your knife. Small forks are for salad, big forks are for dinner. Tiny forks north of the plate are for seafood. Big spoons are for soup, and for some reason you’re supposed to spoon the soup away from you. Tiny spoons are for coffee.
While eating, just remember the stuff Grandma used to tell you:
- Elbows off the table
- Sit up straight
- Cut your food into small bites
- Chew with your mouth closed
- Swallow before talking
- Take your time eating
- Don’t slurp or stir things, especially spaghetti. You should always twist your spaghetti onto your fork by placing the end of the fork on a spoon. Never twist right on the plate.
- Be aware of your companions’ cultural and personal eating habits. If they are vegetarian, or if they don’t eat pork, forgo the cutlet.
- Don’t scrunch up your face and ask “what’s that?”, especially in ethnic restaurants.
There is also more subtle stuff. Like when you put your knife and fork down, put them on the plate, not touching the table. Or when you butter bread, put some butter on your plate, then use the butter from your plate to butter the bread. Let’s not worry about that stuff for now. Just try not to drop anything in your lap.
Nothing says “Bond, James Bond” like a secret code. At really nice restaurants, there’s a cool little code to tell the waiter when you’re done eating. Put the knife and fork together on your plate at either 4 or 8 o-clock. If you’re still eating, separate the knife and fork on your plate at 4 and 8 o-clock. No one will notice this, unless you’re at a fancy restaurant, but if they do, they will recognize you as a man of distinction.
8. The Booze
Business: Order alcohol only if the person you’re trying to impress is drinking. At lunch, limit yourself to one drink, no matter how much anyone else drinks. At dinner, have two.
Date: Whoever is driving should have only one.
Social: Unless you’re with buddies, treat it like business — drink only if the people you’re with are drinking. If you are a recovering alcoholic, or with your AA sponsor, don’t drink.
Tip: These guidelines are for the US only. If you are visiting a different country, everyone in the room can drink you under the table — even small children — so just do your best to keep up.
9. The Bill
When it’s time to go, ask for the check (if you’re planning to pay). If someone else is paying, don’t ask for, touch, look at, or think about the check. Don’t even peek.
In a business setting, generally whoever invites pays for the meal. If you’re having dinner with the boss, the boss will probably pay. Buddies or coworkers should probably expect to split the check.
If you’re having dinner with the girlfriend’s parents, here’s what you do: when the check comes, get your wallet out and fumble for a credit card. The parents will then say, “oh no, we’ll get this.” Argue feebly. When they insist, put away your wallet. Offer to leave a tip. In the US, the tip is normally $1.50 for every $10 on the bill. Other countries vary on whether and how much to tip. If you’re not sure, ask — preferably someone besides your waiter.
On a date, it’s tricky. Most modern women want the freedom of going dutch on a date, with no further obligation. Some, however, expect to be treated like a queen. As a general rule, the fancier her clothes, the more likely she expects you to pay for dinner. If she orders the most expensive thing on the menu, she probably expects you to pay. In any case, bring enough that you can pay for the whole thing. Does this mean you will get anywhere with her later? That depends on you, superstar.
We’ve all seen it. You’re out having dinner with your buddies, and somebody gets up right before dessert. He says, “I gotta run.” There are lots of laughs, high fives, and see you laters. After he’s gone, you realize the high fives were a smokescreen. He left without paying. Not cool. Equally lame is when someone puts in a couple of wrinkled Washingtons and a handful of pennies, while someone else pays double.
Be cool when chipping in for the meal, and cover what you ate. Get in the habit of carrying cash around, especially if you know you’re going out. There’s nothing worse than when you have to ask to split a card–you’re an adult man now, come prepared to pay for what you ordered.
10. The Exit Strategy
On a date, get her coat, help her with the sleeves, hold the door (hinges on your side), walk on the outside on the sidewalk, go back to the car, open it for her, wait for her to get in, close it, go around to your side, hop in, smile like an after-shave model, and you’re ready to rock.
Tip of the Week: Can You Hear Me Now?
Most of us get annoyed by people who talk on the phone in close public places. But for some reason, this doesn’t seem to apply to us when we get a call or text. Talking or texting at restaurants, movies, weddings, funerals, etc., is extremely rude — yes, even when you do it. It’s rude to the people around you, and it’s rude to the people you’re with. When you interrupt a conversation to take a call, you’re basically saying “my phone is more important than this face-to-face conversation I’m having with you”.
Turn off your ringer, even at a restaurant but especially at movies, weddings and funerals. If you absolutely must take a call, excuse yourself and leave the room. Whenever on the phone in public, use your “inside voice,” and avoid talking like an Irish Dockworker. (I have nothing against Irish Dockworkers. Some of my best friends are Irish Dockworkers. I’m just saying.) On a date or business meal, let the people you’re with know in advance that you are expecting a call. Keep it short, and get back to the face-to-face.