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Five Lessons Learned From the Worst Ambush Date of My Life

Some of the best lessons men can learn are from hearing the horrible tragedies brave souls have had to endure before us. Heed these warnings from resident dating expert Ethan Fixell so you never get trapped in a dating ambush.

 

In March of 2008, my friend Dave and I posted a video on YouTube in which we asked women to double date us. Ultimately, our cry for love resulted in close to two hundred double dates – many of which became fodder for a live comedy show we eventually took on the road. Over the last three years, we’ve received our fair share of interesting proposals (all-male foursome, anyone?). But it was one of the most innocuous emails to grace our inbox which led to what was perhaps the most unbearable of interactions:

To Ethan and Dave-

Don’t know how much I’m into the love part, but I am interested in picking your brain (Brains plural, I guess?) about comedy—I’m about a year into the stand-up scene myself—Let me know if you might be around for some coffee….Oh, P.S. I do have a comedy page on myspace with a little 5 min reel and photo to prove that I’m not a creeper….Hope to hear from you soon!

-Bunny

While the message didn’t include a photo, a cursory Facebook search revealed a fairly attractive girl. But quickly chiding such shallow instincts (that is, after scrolling through various albums for at least ten minutes), I reminded myself that this girl had contacted us for professional purposes. Her looks should be irrelevant.

So we play phone tag back and forth for close to two weeks until we finally lock in plans. She tells me she’ll be in my neighborhood on Friday night, and I should meet her at a bar by my apartment when I get back from a show around 11PM. Sure, she had upped the ante from coffee to alcohol, but a late night drink to discuss the comedy scene sounded harmless to me.

Which brings me to my first lesson learned:

There is no such thing as an 11PM business meeting.

And there is certainly no such thing as an 11PM business meeting with a single female, on a Friday night, at a bar, steps from your apartment, when you’re a comedian…specifically known for serial dating women.

When she arrives, she’s already noticeably drunk. With slurred words, she tells me that she just came from the pub she used to work at where they still serve her for free. Five minutes later, she’s giving me sex eyes. As if the story I’m telling about the first time I puked in New York City is the most romantic tale a man has told. Staring intensely as I finish, she can only respond silently with a desperate gaze that, I have learned by now, means, “As long as you don’t reveal that you are a serial killer, I will blow you in the bathroom.”

No, this was certainly no business meeting. But hey, if anyone can handle an impromptu date with a drunk chick, I can.

Lesson number two:

Never trust the internet.

Fuck you, Facebook. Fuck your enabling of lying and deception. If the photos on Bunny’s profile came even close to representing how she looked in real life, I might as well replace mine with portraits of Ryan Reynolds. Her main pic was, I now realize, a heavily Photoshopped acting headshot. In real life, she looked like the spawn of Joe Camel and a pre-Proactiv Jessica Simpson.

And so, once she realizes that her crush is unrequited, her true nature begins to surface. She starts by tearing me apart: my hair, my clothes, my tattoos. She can’t stop talking about how she doesn’t want a tattoo, and “never has, never will.” She “can’t understand the appeal.” They’re “trashy” and “common.” Yet, she’s apparently fascinated by what mine could possibly mean.

Thankfully, experience had already taught me lesson number three:

Passive aggressive attacks are not an acceptable form of flirtation.

“They were a frat prank,” I deadpan.

“What!?” she replies incredulously, mouth agape.

“Yeah, to be honest, I’m not sure what these tattoos mean. In college, I woke up one morning after a long night of drinking, and there they were.”

“Are you serious?”

“No.”

“OK, so what do they really mean?”

“Why do you want to know if you hate them so much?”

“I want to understand what would drive someone to do…that.”

“I’m part Native American. They’re tribal.”

“No they’re not!”

“No, they’re not.”

“Ugh, just tell me the truth!”

“The truth is, you’re starting to annoy me.”

And then, she starts to cry.

Actually, she’s babbling incoherently at length about her frustrated dating history before the tears begin to flow. First she’s talking about some other guy with tattoos, and then the generally brutal nature of dating in New York City, until she’s off and running, convulsing with choked sobs as she rambles on about how she knows she’s not the prettiest girl, but has a lot to offer, and wants someone to love her for her intellect, not just for her looks, or more specifically, her fantastic breasts…

Lesson number four:

Never bait a drunk girl.

Making matters worse, the bartender at this joint happens to know her as well, so as she’s weeping into her dwindling rocks glass, he’s continuously pouring complimentary refills of straight Jameson. The girl is slugging back Irish whiskey and tears like a transsexual sailor in the middle of a menopausal meltdown. (I believe the official name for the cocktail is an “Irish Funeral.”)

Of course part of me felt bad for her. She was clearly down and out, and probably just in need of a little attention. But put yourself in my shoes for a minute, and remember I was hijacked into this…date. Yes, I should have seen the switcheroo coming. And yes, I might have been more inclined to let her “pick my brain” because I had initially thought she was cute…. But I’m a guy, dammit, and THIS IS HOW WE WORK, okay? We fall for this shit. It’s just what we do. And when you’re dealing with an emotionally unstable woman whom you are not only unattracted to, but didn’t know you were going out with in the first place, your tolerance starts to wear thin by the two hour mark.

So four beers deep, I can take no more. I ask her where she needs to go to get home, and she tells me the F train. Always the gentleman, I offer to walk her there, but she dismisses my proposal. Instead, she demands to see my apartment, which she knows is around the corner. Apparently, the “F train” she plans on taking isn’t the one that runs underground.

“You know,” I reason, “it’s been a long day. I think I just want to go to sleep.”

“Oh, come onnnnnnnnnnnn,” she whines. “You can sleep tomorrow.”

“No, I’m really exhausted.”

“Just for a little bit!”

“Maybe another time…”

“Don’t be such a fag!”

A few more volleys like these, and I’m forced to switch tactics, abandoning all niceties. “Bunny, I don’t think you understand,” I break it down for her, as if talking to a kindergartner in Reading Group D. “I’m done. I do not want to hang any further.”

“Wow. I cannot believe you’re not going to bring an attractive girl up to your apartment,” she persists, shockingly. “Let’s go, I want a tour.”

And this is the moment in which I lose what little sympathy I still had for her. She has now taken a depressing, annoying situation into aggressive, intrusive territory. My thoughts and opinions have been written off as meaningless footnotes in her evening, which was planned out long before I ever had any say. Ignoring my clear expressions of disinterest, and denying my requests for release again and again, she has finally succeeded at stripping me of my manhood. This has gone too far, Bunny. Too far, indeed. And to preserve the honor of my fellow men across the world, I must take action. I must take a stand. For they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!

Leading her upstairs like a whipped mule, I sheepishly mumble that she has five minutes.

As soon as she’s inside, Bunny takes off her coat and shoes.

“Cool, make yourself at home,” I say dryly, nodding.

Of course, it didn’t matter — she was already on autopilot. At this point I could have told her, “You can sit on my couch, but it seconds as my toilet,” and she still would have taken a seat.

“I’m telling you this because I have to go to the bathroom right now,” I’d explain.

“That’s fine, don’t worry about it,” she would affirm.

“I had Mexican for lunch.”

“I love refried beans!”

After a cursory “tour” of my apartment (which she criticizes with a stream of quips such as “What’s with the kitchen?” and “Nice perv mirror in your bedroom,” and “Your cat is gay.”) — I tell her it is absolutely time to leave. (She did, incidentally, compliment one thing: my 6 foot glass liquor cabinet, stocked with plenty of whiskey.) However, instead of exiting the apartment, she decides this is the perfect time to lie across the foot of my bed.

“Or, you can just lie on my bed,” I say, taking another hopeless jab.

“Yeah, but I feel like you said before that you have to go to sleep…which sucks.”

No, what sucks is that you are completely unable to interpret the words and actions of other human beings, I think to myself. But somehow I manage to hold it in, and after five more minutes of haggling and cajoling, I come to realize the ultimate lesson of the evening:

Dating is not charity.

Eyes fixed with an icy cold stare, I point at the door and sternly deliver one final direct order: “Get. Out.”

At last, she dresses and departs.

Relieved, I collapse into the couch with a loud sigh, simultaneously reaching for the remote control and a nearby bottle of scotch.

An hour later, I receive a text:

“Nice meeting you! Your cat hearts me, P.S. that means you like me.”

What planet was this message written on? What planet is this supposedly 20-something WOMAN on? How has she not yet comprehended the fact that I am in no way, shape, or form, interested in her? Is she acting out of desperation or delusion?

The next morning, as I logged into Facebook, I couldn’t help but notice her new status, which showed up on my news feed:

“Bunny is starting to think there is something wrong with her. ”

I’m proud of you, Bunny. It looks like we’ve both learned a thing or two.

About

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic "dating coach" duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com, a daily blog featuring humorous personal exchanges.

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  • Tarun Suri

    This was a hilarious read.

  • Blakers McAwesome

    Truly, this is comedic gold. I’ve been on dates like this. Worse than just a strange date that goes awry, are those that are suggested dates (blind dates) arranged by friends or family.

    I mean, how DO you come up with the words to keep the relationship between your best friend and his wife alive after her suggested blind date ambushes you…

    “No, it was really fun. I would have to say the highlight of the evening was when she “flipped the bitch switch” – her own words – and tried to claw out the bartender’s eyes for refusing to top her eleventh drink off. And that’s only a few points ahead of when she barfed into the dog bed, and locked herself in my bathroom crying, “you don’t like me… I ruin everything.”

    Hanging out with that friend or his wife will never be the same.

  • Ya

    So, I realize this article — and possibly the story — is written in comedic jest, but two things…

    First, what was really so remarkably terrible about ‘Bunny’, besides her name? She just sounds bland, stupid and drunk. Meh. ‘Worst ever’ is quite the sensationalist stretch.

    Second, why did you invite her up just to boot her out? Are you retarded or just an emotionally vicious asshole who desperately needs the validation of rejecting someone instead of being rejected for once? I know you meant this to be funny, but it comes off as pathetic. You’re worst than her — at least she was straight up about her intentions, unlike the passive aggressive unassertive dickhead she met up with.

    Maybe you really are a fag, dude.

  • Jasper

    While I don’t agree with the above assertion that you’re a passive aggressive fag, you were a bit of a push-over. Lesson learned. Thanks for posting and the reminder not be be a push-over.

  • Simeon

    This is why I read Primer. Great read.

  • http://www.primermagazine.com/2010/learn/2010-fall-beer-review Andrew

    Ya,

    I think you missed the point. Jasper got it right. Ethan, in an attempt to not be an all out dick, ended up in these situations that progressively got worse. Not sure why you resort to name calling, the bottom line is that he learned a lot from the experience. If one of us gets caught in a similar situation, we’ll know we have to put our foot down early.

  • http://www.primermagazine.com/2010/learn/2010-fall-beer-review Andrew

    Blakers, Oh man, thats…nuts! Sorry you had to go through that, brother.

  • Jay

    However, had you also been drunk, the night would have ended differently and you would have woken the next morning with a psycho-girlfriend.

  • Magic Phil

    Back in the day, I was known to take a drink or two on the weekends. Between blackouts and around a hangover, I went on a date with a young lady with whom I had intimate dealings during what I like to call a “hazy period.” Unfortunately, our their was an incongruity between our daytime personalities and our mutual recollection of our previous meeting. Our “date” began with me purchasing a pair of slacks from Macy’s and ended with her saying, “Jesus, we REALLY should get a drink” after failed smalltalk over bland sushi. I’m not sure who was ambushing who, but I know we both took shrapnel and had to let a few good men get captured by the enemy.
    Kudos for not giving her a mercy pass on the F-Train. If she was attractive enough for me to get at least a semi, I may not have had your gentlemanly restraint. Maybe I’m the fag.

  • http://www.primermagazine.com Andrew

    Magic Phil…That’s…awesome. Hope you learned from the experience!

  • Anon

    He needlessly (publicly) destroyed an already-pathetic woman because he thought that was the “nice” thing to do? Also, false irony, this story achieves trope status when the genders reversed.

  • http://loveforexs.com Jessie

    LOL, this was an awesome read. So – her name was “Bunny”? I have a really good girlfriend that Bunny reminds me of. She is so clueless when it comes to dating. I try and help her, but nothing gets through…

  • http://www.womenfromukraine.org Oksana

    I had a date like this that lasted a year and a half.

  • Pingback: Ambush date? Feel sorry for this guy… | MYDATESTORY

  • http://www.hendrickspark.com/ Aydika

    What a truly uncomfortable evening. Uncomfortable to read even — and yet I kept going. I’m guessing this story is not unfamiliar to many people, so thanks for so candidly sharing. Favorite take-away (and laugh): “Dating is not charity.”

  • John

    Wheres that youtube video?

  • JWS

    That was funny and ___ing SCARY all at the same time.

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