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Shit or Get Off The Pot: Jon’s Long Distance Relationship Dilemma

While some song writers may say all you need is love, resident relationship expert Brooke knows men can also benefit from a swift kick in the pants from the boot of knowledge. Check out her no holds barred advice for a reader confused about the transition from a mostly digital to a mostly long distance relationship.

 

Dear Brooke,

I was recently in California for a month doing a program at The School of The Arts. While there I saw a girl (also in the program) who was absolutely beautiful, but I never introduced myself. After coming home, a group formed on Facebook so we could all keep in touch—so I found the girl, we became Facebook friends, and now we’re talking quite a bit through text messaging, etc.

She lives in Texas and I’m in TN. I’m not big on long distance, but I thoroughly enjoy the conversations I have with this girl and we both flirt quite a bit. If I’m not looking for a long distance relationship, how should I handle the situation? Should we talk as strictly friends? Keep flirting? Try to make it work?

Thanks in advance for the advice

-Long Distance Jon

Dear LDJ,

I love your honesty. I love that you wrote in to ask me about this situation. And I love that your crush has sent you into a tizzy of hesitation and uncertainty…kinda. You’re love-struck and all over the place sweetheart, so I’m going to need to get real with you…big time.

Ready? Here it is, no BS…

You were kind of a pussy about introducing yourself and becoming friends with her in real life (I get it, she’s hot and scary, blah blah), and now you’re communicating over the computer and text message which is pretty much a pussy kind of way of communicating if you actually want to connect with someone (sometimes modern isn’t the way to go), and to top it off, you’re pretty much being a pussy about making something happen or not.

Here’s the deal darlin’…in less than 140 characters: Shit or get off the pot. Seriously.

I’m not saying you have to either marry her or never talk to her again…I’m saying that it’s time you realize that by talking to and flirting with a girl states away, you are actually starting a long distance relationship. So, either admit it and sign up, or don’t, and move on. Simple as that.

Beautiful, kind, creative, worth-a-long-distance-relationship kind of girls already have lots of friends…she doesn’t need another one. So put the ‘let’s flirt and text ourselves into a lifelong friendship’ idea out of your mind, like yesterday.

If you’re continuing to flirt and talk while knowing that you have no intention of committing yourself if things build, then please bounce ASAP and save everyone the heartache. It’s not worth it. You’ll waste everyone’s time while making yourself look like a tease.

Don’t, especially under my watch, become the guy who accidentally gets himself into a relationship that he knew he never wanted, only to hurt someone in the end. You’re too smart for that. Yes, smart. I said it. Here’s how I know…

You say you’re not looking for a long distance relationship, but the issue is… If you weren’t open to this turning into a long distance relationship you never would have written into me

You’re looking for me to give you permission to do something that you used to say you would never do, that you told your friends you would never do, that you don’t know how to do, and that you’re afraid to do.

You’ve convinced yourself that you’re not a long distance relationship kind of guy…noble enough. But, now you’ve met someone that you may just want to break that rule for, and you want me to tell you to go for it, that it’s OK to break your rules. So Jon…go for it, break your rules.  Seriously.

Talk, flirt, text, send her flowers and emails and mixed tapes, fall for her, go visit her, have phone sex…whatever floats your boat. Then, see what happens. Maybe something. Maybe nothing. Maybe maybe maybe.

No matter what happens, we know a few things for sure. First: You’re into her. And second: Somewhere along the line you decided that long distance relationships are not for you. So, my advice? First: Don’t be afraid of beautiful girls. And second: There’s always someone worth breaking your rules for.

Being a pussy is not about being vulnerable, it’s about being afraid of vulnerability. So stop being a pussy, and start listening to your gut. You might get hurt (survival rate is high), you might marry her (it happens). You’ll never know unless you jump in…with both feet.

Thanks for being you,

B.

*Disclaimer: Brooke cannot respond to every question asked, nor should her responses be considered professional medical advice.
Brooke received her Masters Degree in counseling psychology and is an MFTI (registered marriage and family therapist intern) working towards licensure in CA. Soapbox Therapy/Primer Magazine is not part of the licensing process and should not be considered psychotherapy. Soapbox Therapy/Primer Magaizine is commentary and advice based on Brooke’s personal opinions and insight and should be regarded as such. Soapbox Therapy/Primer Magazine is in no way related to or reflective of the opinions or insight of Brooke’s private practice supervisor, Cynthia Hoffman LMFT.



About

Born in Detroit and raised in Chicago, Brooke Miller, MA is now a San Francisco based advice columnist and relationship expert. Her column, Soapbox Therapy, has been called “ Raw, honest, thought-provoking, and wisely witty” by readers and critics and can be read in several publications including The SF Chronicle’ s affiliate, TheIsCollection, and Cheeky Chicago. Brooke supports clients all over the country via Skype and phone coaching sessions. She can be contacted at brooke(a)primermagazine.com.

 
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  • http://calebgalaraga.com Caleb Galaraga

    WOW! That sure is a straightforward advice.
    .-= Caleb Galaraga´s last blog ..Seven Days- Knowing and doing that one thing =-.

  • Pingback: Soapbox Therapy - Modern Commentary. Expert Advice.

  • Matt S.

    Brooke, are you single? If so, I want to start a long-distance relationship with you.

  • Ethan

    B,
    Nothing short of an awesome post.

  • Tug-O-War Tyler

    Hey Brooke,

    So I recently just broke up with my Ex-Fiance of three years, before our big move to San Diego, CA. We lived together back in Alaska, and had plans to move together to Cali, but as the moving date grew closer stress levels kept rising. Of course, we broke up and I initiated it because I didn’t want to carry that bad energy with me. It was messy, loud and she took our dog. She’s in Seattle and here I am in beautiful San Diego.

    We still talk, but it’s not as constant as it was when we were together and she keeps telling me rather “hurtful” things because she says I deserve it for breaking her heart. She tells me that my unhappiness is my fault because I ruined our future. I still think about her and the future we could have had, like I said we WERE engaged. She keeps distancing herself from me, but when I try to do the same she comes back and gets angry for me trying to move on. It’s like a tug-o-war and I don’t know what to do. Let go and enjoy my new life or try to fix things?

    Thanks for all the help!

    -Tug-O-War Tyler

    • Let_My_People_Go

      You know what to do. After all, your are in “beautiful” San Diego. If you were still in love with her no place would be beautiful without her.  She’s still in love with you, cant you see that?  Are you still in love with her?  If not, then cut off the communication 100% you’re toying with her heart like a cat playing with a mouse. That’s weak and called keeping your options open.  If you are in love with her be the MAN and quit playing games and go get her.  

      I know this from experience for loving a man wouldn’t sh*t and get off the pot.  It’s infuriating and cruel.

  • Erick Mercadante

    I have been In a long distance relationship for about 4 years no, we have several ways of communicating. Video chat, text, email, letters, phone calls, and we meet eachother 3 to 4 times a year(that will change in a few months though I am moving to where she is.) the jist of what I am saying is there is really no excuse for not wanting to be in a long distance relationship, there are just to many ways of communication now a days. stop being a bitch and sign up for it!

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