Michelle Kwan is not an “ice princess.”
World champion figure skater and threat on the ice, maybe, but it would be offensive to call her an “ice princess” (although the media has called her so for the sake of the cutesy pun).
No, an ice princess is not a sport, although many women have made being an ice princess a craft, something they put great time and effort into. Like a well-thought-out magic trick. And with a wave of a wand, men fall under the spell of a woman as cold as ice.
There’s definitely an allure surrounding an ice princess. Men fall for her because she appears to be pretty, quiet, and demure, playing a little hard to get. There’s a mystery about her. However, warm-blooded men should beware. Spin-off terms for ice princess include “heartbreaker,” “drama queen,” and “heinous bitch.”
Here’s how to tell whether you’re dating an ice princess:
1. She never smiles. Even when she’s happy, her face never really adjusts much. And when she does smile, it looks forced, like either something’s really bothering her and she won’t tell you, or she sat in something wet.
2. Her hand shake is like a dead fish. Just like in job interviews, a hand shake is an important gesture that says more about a person than words sometimes. A weak hand shake can often signify a cold person, someone who lacks feeling and personality. If you were put off by her handshake when you met her, you are probably going to be put off by her. Period.
3. She becomes like wallpaper around your friends. Some people call it being “shy,” but there’s a fine line between being “shy” and being “snooty.” An unwillingness to even try to engage your friends in a conversation shows an unwillingness to get to know you better. It also demonstrates a self-involved quality.
4. Nose in the air. There’s a reason why cold people are typically depicted as people with their heads held high. Where do you think the term “she thinks her s**t don’t stink” came from?
5. She has more enemies than friends. If she hangs around you and your friends (and ignores them, naturally), and you rarely get the opportunity to see any of her friends, nor does she mention anyone she’s close to, then she probably doesn’t have any. It’s one thing to keep your friends close but your enemies closer. But if you don’t have anyone at all, this is definitely a red flag.
6. She retreats to her fortress of solitude. The sad thing about an ice princess is that the reason why she’s cold is because she locks her feelings away, not able to express her innermost emotions to people.
7. Passive aggressive. An ice princess’s favorite game is the guessing game. Here’s how you play. She won’t tell you what she wants, and you have to figure it out. If you do figure it out, you win by getting to play again only with another issue. If you lose, you get the privilege of discussing what she wants until you actually figure it out.
8. She uses sexuality as a carrot. She knows she’s attractive and knows when to use it to her advantage, and then take it away. Think Lucille Bluth from “Arrested Development” who “got off on withholding.”
9. When she does speak up, it’s dramatic. Being late for a movie because of traffic should be a minor hiccup, but an ice princess makes it out to be like World War III has erupted. In fact, every minor setback is a meltdown. You wonder if she’s constantly on the rag.
10. She’s never actually happy, even when she gets her way. She doesn’t see the glass half empty or half full. She just sees a glass.
There’s a reason why so many pop songs have been written about the “ice princess” (“She’s as cold as ice,” “She’s so cold”); it’s because she is the most torturous and confusing breed of female. She has managed to mystify everyone from Roy Rogers to Mick Jagger to Usher. So for those who’ve ever wanted to take a blow torch to her cold, cold heart, at least you’re in good company.