Brooke on Boys: Sexy Self-esteem 101…and a Little Oprah

You’ve been hearing all your life that women love confident men. But many guys fail to distinguish confident from cocky asshole. Brooke gives the lowdown on how a guy can have sexy self-esteem, without being full of himself.

I know this girl who knows this guy who has a ton going for him. He’s smart, funny, has a promising career, and is certainly easy on the eyes. Really easy on the eyes…I met him, so I can attest. But this girl I know isn’t into the guy she knows. And she’s unbelievably fabulous…I know her, so I can attest.

So as you can imagine, this is a huge loss. Why you ask? Why isn’t she into him? The answer? Simple. Because he’s missing the special ingredient. That special ingredient? Confidence, self-esteem, and therefore, sex appeal. Yes Primer men, you heard me correctly: Self esteem is sexy, really sexy. Sexier than smart, sexier than funny, sexier than a promising career and sexier than good looks…even sexier than great looks. Yes, really.

But before I go on, let’s make sure we’re on the same page when it comes to the delicious flavor of self-esteem goes sex appeal that I’m talking about here. This particular kind of self-esteem is special, and should not be confused with seemingly high self-esteem, which might look like: Self-love based on profusely denied and incredibly low self-esteemfor example…commonly resulting in various levels of over compensation including an overactive love affair with material things, or self grandeur–to name a few.

Oh that kind? Yes, that kind. A totally different kind of self-esteem that really isn’t self-esteem at all, but in fact, belongs to underneath-it-all-wonderful-men who actually don’t love themselves in any way (shocking but true)…an entirely different article all together (note to self).

So, that being said…

The kind of healthy and sexy self-esteem that draws women…and jobs, and friends, and opportunities, and joy…towards you, is a special balance of knowing who you are, knowing who you’re not, pride, humility, honesty, and curiosity.

When a man knows and is honest about his strengths, and is proud of them while exercising a sense of humility and kindness…that’s sexy self-esteem. When a man knows and is honest about the things that are not his forte, and is able to swallow his pride and reach out for help while exercising a sense of humility and kindness…that’s sexy self-esteem.

When a man is confident in who he is and who he’s not, admits his comforts and discomforts, and gets curious about becoming a better man—a man that knows he can always become a better man…that’s sexy self-esteem.

When a man knows he’s a person worth being around, and knows why – truly madly deeply - knows why, and owns it…that’s sexy self-esteem.

Perfection, by the way, is not sexy.

Perfection is also not real…thank goodness. Humans are sexy. Humans that know they are human, know they have feelings, know they have faults, know they have strengths, know what they love and what they don’t and why and why not: Nothing could be sexier.

Moral of the story: Don’t be afraid to be confident, women love it…and…know the difference between confidence and cockiness. Confident men know themselves and can stand tall in who they are, cocky men have no idea who they are and do everything they can to convince you otherwise.

Not possible to be that kind of man you say? The confident stand tall kind? Oh darlin, it’s possible. I know men like this, so I can attest.

But How?

How do you get this human-knowing-loving-confident-sexy-self-esteem thing down? Well, You get real. You get honest. You start from the bottom, or the beginning if you will, and you get solid. You get to know your story, and connect the dots. You color yourself in, define yourself. You get to know yourself from the inside out, from the past to the present. You talk, you listen, you unpack all of it.

Why? Because a solid, connected, defined self is the kind of self that has esteem — self-esteem. It’s simple really. Knowing yourself for real IS loving yourself for real. Knowing yourself IS self-esteem…the sexy kind.

And it’s not only men I’m asking to do this get-to-know-yourself-and-your-story-therefore-love-yourself-therefore-have-the-tools-and-solid-footing-you-need-to-soar-and-launch-and-move-forward-in-life-and-everything-and-anything-you-do…thing. I’m asking everyone…and their mother. I’m so passionate about it in fact, my self-esteem is sexy campaign, that I decided take it to Oprah…

So, here’s the deal guys…Oprah is starting a new cable network called OWN (The Oprah Winfrey Network), and she’s having a competition for people to have their own show. And I entered. Yes, really.

In order to get into the finals of that competition, I need people to watch, love, vote, and comment on (if you feel called), my video audition.

My show idea? It’s called THE SOAPBOX THERAPIST, and it’s my know your story, love yourself, launch your life mission. And I know you want to get on board…’cause you’re sexy like that.

So, here’s your chance…

Click HERE to see my video and vote!

Original drawing by Cristina Cazan

Born in Detroit and raised in Chicago, Brooke Miller, MA is now a San Francisco based advice columnist and relationship expert. Her column, Soapbox Therapy, has been called “ Raw, honest, thought-provoking, and wisely witty” by readers and critics and can be read in several publications including The SF Chronicle’ s affiliate, TheIsCollection, and Cheeky Chicago. Brooke supports clients all over the country via Skype and phone coaching sessions. She can be contacted at brooke(a)primermagazine.com.

  • http://www.RoseannaLeaton.com Roseanna Leaton

    Great article. We like to see the “real” you – show everyone your “authentic self” by being comfortable in your own skin. Thats what self-esteem is all about and what sex appeal is based upon.

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  • Kevin

    Brooke, you’re awesome, but as guy I have to suggest you cram more useful points into you bold print headings, I really like to read as little as possible. Thanks a mil!

  • http://www.primermagazine.com Andrew

    But Kevin, we WANT you to read the whole thing. :)

  • Derek

    Some good stuff here, thanks Brooke.