Every Friday, I’m compiling a list of five things that meet one criterion. “What is that criterion,” you ask? Well, it’s going to change every week and you’re just going to have to try and keep up.
Five Fake Movies from Seinfeld That I Would Pay to See
Though in nine seasons Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer often went to see and discussed movies that existed in our world (see: Schindler’s List, The English Patient, and Titanic), the bulk of the fictional universe’s cinematic canon came out of the writer’s room. While it was probably done mostly for reasons related to parody and licensing, I like to believe it was also because fake movies always seem more intriguing (even those that seem patently absurd, on the surface).
So while all the fake movies mentioned on the show deserve legitimate cinematic attention (especially if they were written by the Seinfeld writing team), this is Five for Friday and not every flick can make the list. The toughest omissions for me: Checkmate, Chow Fun, Cupid’s Rifle, Sack Lunch, and Blimp: The Hindenburg Story (among many others).
I did not consider Prognosis Negative (Jerry described it using the words “really bad”, “long”, “no story”, and “unbelievably boring”) or Ponce de Leon (Elaine hated it, George thought it was great) because of the strong negative reactions generated by each. I didn’t include the ever-popular Rochelle Rochelle because, fictionally, the movie was also adapted into a stage play featuring Bette Midler and… sorry, but I don’t think I could pay to see Bette Midler as the protagonist in a story centered around “a young girl’s strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk”. You understand.
5. Mountain High
Though none of the gang ever actually go to see this movie (that we know of), Kramer’s brief flirtation in the role of the Moviefone guy reveals that this flick stars Kevin Bacon and Susan Sarandon and bears a line of dialogue proclaiming “you’ve got to get me over that mountain!” Consider me interested.
I always thought it was some sort of comment on The River Wild which was a movie starring Bacon as “guy-who-makes-a-beautiful-woman-guide-him-through-the-wilderness” that came out the year before (a movie that, looking back, has a pretty intriguing cast and director). Who knows. All I know is that “there’s no place higher than… Mountain High” and it is rated R.
Apparently this is an action/suspense movie wherein an explosion traps the American President’s daughter in the tunnel running underneath the English Channel. I want to see it mainly because some of the brief dialogue we hear from the film is Larry David (in some sort of exaggerated character) frantically screaming “everybody out of the Chunnel!”
It is a little odd that the English Channel or comparably large tunnels haven’t been featured in action or disaster movies much (if at all). Other than the Sylvester Stallone vehicle Daylight, I can’t remember a tunnel ever factoring into the plot of a major movie. So, for variety’s sake, I’m definitely in favor of Chunnel.
3. Agent Zero
I don’t know what this movie was supposed to be about (there are absolutely no details given about it, it’s mentioned only once in passing by Kramer). Is it a film adaptation of the Marvel character also known as Maverick? A generic action movie about the first-ever operative deployed by a super-secret government spy agency? A comedic look at the trials and tribulations of a failing talent agent who represents movie stars and professional athletes?
All we need to know about Firestorm:
- Kramer claims it’s good
- Jerry saw it twice
- George’s soon-to-be father-in-law Mr. Ross called it “a hell of a picture”
- A helicopter lands on a car
- There’s an underwater escape
- Harrison Ford jumps out of a plane and shoots back at the bad guys as he falls
I ask you: what person wouldn’t want to see that movie? You would think, with all that Firestorm talk, that the movie was the focal point of an entire episode. But no! It was actually mentioned in three different episodes (rather unprecedented as far as fake Seinfeld movies go).
[And we’re not going to talk about the actual movie titled Firestorm starring Howie Long that came out three years after the show first tossed out the movie title. We’re just not.]
1. Death Blow
The tagline for this movie, according to Kramer: “When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are but for different reasons altogether.” I don’t know what else to say except “one please” to no one in particular.
All I can gather from the episode featuring Death Blow is that there is actually a character named “Death Blow” in the film and he routinely deals out death blows. I’m envisioning an awesome high-end exploitation film where an American vigilante knows all sorts of secrets about both kung fu and firearms. If we get this made into a real movie (producers, pay attention), I hope “that Hawaiian guy” gets the final death blow, as he “had it coming”.