They say the richest man in the world is he who doesn’t have to buy his own clothes because his roommate already has all the best threads. Or something like that.
By Dewey “The Finger” Finnegan
Clothing Thief since 1993
This is a special April 1, 2009 edition.
We all love fashion but in these tough economics times, we can’t always afford the style we deserve. But worry not! You don’t have to sit there like an idiot wearing last year’s trends because with a little bit of effort and no money at all you can have a great new set of clothing. How you ask? It’s easy: take them from your roommate!
Listed below is my tried and true four step method for pulling off your own wardrobe coup d’état! Enjoy!
Step 1: Keep an eye on what your roommate wears.
Think about what you might look like in those clothes and which outfits might look good on you. Will that striped button down shirt clash with your eyes? Is there already too much wear and tear on that cool looking leather jacket? The bottom line is you don’t want to steal an item of clothing only to later realize that it doesn’t even look good on you or is falling apart!
Step 2: Casing your roommate’s room and closet.
Before you can steal anything you’re going to want to know exactly what environment you’ll be working in during the theft. This helpful research is known in the garment black market as “casing the job.” All you have to do is find a justifiable reason to be in your roommate’s room so you can formulate where the items you are going to steal are located and possible escape routes if something goes wrong. Faking interest in your roommate’s life and conversing with them is a great way to check out their room without arousing suspicion. IMPORTANT: Don’t act like you intend to steal clothes! Avoid shifty eyes, inspecting clothes for exaggerated amounts of time or laughing in an uncharacteristically menacing way! These are just a few examples of classic giveaways that could prevent you obtaining your free new wardrobe. Acting cool and natural is the best way to handle casing a job.
Step 3: Wait until your roommate is not at home.
This can be done while they are off at work or the gym. NOTE: If you are unemployed or independently wealthy this will be considerably easier. If your roommate is also unemployed, is also independently wealthy or simply works from home, this will nullify any edge you had by being unemployed or independently wealthy. If you are having trouble finding an open window perhaps due to a homebody and/or loser roommate don’t call off the heist because there are several solutions. First, the oldest trick in the clothes-stealing book is a wild goose chase. This can be as simple as giving your roommate a fake treasure map or as complicated as a staged kidnapping of their family with a money drop off site on the other side of town.
Step 4: The getaway.
Simply run back to your room with your new clothes and hide them in your closet. I would recommend from experience NOT grouping the stolen clothes together but rather spread them out in different parts of your closet as if they had always been a part of your wardrobe. At this point you may be asking, “well what if my roommate sees these clothes, won’t he/she just recognize them and accuse me of theft?” The answer to this my friends is what separates the true clothing thieves from the misguided teenagers who are just ‘going through a phase.’ All you have to do is write your name upon the tags of the stolen clothes! Yes, it’s that simple. Alternatively, if you have the foresight and the resources simply poison your roommate’s drink. Depending on the strength/severity of the poison either deny it when they wake up or lie to their loved ones once you have disposed of the body.