You’re sitting at the bar and the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever seen in your life walks by you. They look good, smell even better, and you turn to your buddy and say, “Oh my God, dude. Check out that girl over there. She looks just like Megan Fox except her skins a little darker and her hair is shorter…a lot shorter…okay, she doesn’t really look like Megan Fox, but wow.”
Then your “buddy” casually turns around looks at her and all he says is, “Meh, six.”
“What?” You can’t believe it. This girl, who is so hot you will undoubtedly make a complete ass of yourself two hours from now when you try and talk to her, a mere six!? “She’s a ten easy! More like an eleven. I mean, okay, maybe if you want to be tough you could say a nine, but she’s at least a nine!”
What is the cause of this great discretion between you? Could your buddy be stupid? Possibly: he graduated school with a higher GPA, but his classes were way easier and he is a big fan of Keanu Reeves’s movies not named “The Matrix.”
Or maybe it’s you. No, that’s not it. Which one of you is right?
Neither. The truth is that you are both wrong because neither of you are using a measuring system capable of giving you a definitive answer in deciding once and for all: who the hell is actually a “perfect 10”?
Ladies and gentlemen, creeps and bros, I give you The Sub-Four Scale.
Now, I know what you are asking; what is the Sub-Four Scale? The Sub-Four Scale is a qualitative rating system for the opposite sex. I know, I know, it is impossible to objectively rate the attractiveness of someone since everyone has different ways of determining what they find attractive.
This scale doesn’t try to tell you what is attractive; it gives you a way to accurately compare what you find attractive with your friends or anyone else.
But there are a few ground rules we need to get out of the way first.
- You can only use it on casual acquaintances. – Once you get to know someone, their personality becomes too strong a factor in their attractiveness and they become impossible to accurately rate. Believe me, I’ve tried to use grade curves based on personality, but it just doesn’t work out.
- Do not, under any circumstances, tell your significant other what you rate them as. – If you ever get into a conversation with your significant other that is starting to go in this direction, run. It is a trap. No matter what you say you’ll be wrong. Rate them a 7 and you think they’re ugly, rate them a 10 and they’ll think you’re lying because you actually think they’re ugly. Lose-lose.
- Rate the disabled and disfigured at your own risk. – You’re already tempting fate by even using this system in the first place but judging the physical attractiveness of the mentally challenged burn victims of the world may just be too much for the karmic gods to let slide.
10 – All the absolute hottest people you can think of. You probably don’t actually know many 10’s personally. Salma Hayek, Brad Pitt, this girl who I knew in high school named Catherine would be considered 10’s by most.
9 – All of the best looking people you know. Most of these people are still considered total smoke shows but they just don’t blow you away like the 10’s of the universe do. Many find it difficult to even have close relationships with 9’s because they are too intimidated to take the first step but still some find there way into our lives via a friend’s girlfriend or co-worker.
8 – This is where the hotness becomes a little more manageable. A few of the better looking people you’ve ever dated probably land in this area. This is also the highest most people will ever rate themselves unless they are completely conceited and/or one of the Jonas Brothers.
7 – 7’s and 8’s are practically one group to me. The only difference is that 8’s just have a little more going on than their slightly lower rated counterparts. If TV shows were women, “Survivor Man” would be an 8 and “Man vs. Wild” would be a 7. Both shows are almost exactly the same but on MvW if Bear gets in trouble they turn off the camera. If Les gets in trouble on SMan he dies, slight difference.
6 – The perfect word to describe a 6 is “cute.” They wouldn’t be described as “hot” per se, but they are definitely among the better looking half of humanity. A lot of people mistakenly look at being rated as a 6 insulting but it often ends up being more a recognition for having a kind of unique, non-classical type of attractiveness. Many would-be 5’s find their way into this slot by having some sort of instantly recognizable quirkiness about them. Like Bjork or a cherry Pop-Tart.
5 – 5’s are meh.
4 – When you start talking about 4’s you’re getting into the “starting to get not-so-hot” territory. Generally, 4’s can best be described as “eh…a little ugly.”
3’s, 2’s, and 1’s (The Sub-4) – You really don’t need to bother trying to distinguish between them, they’re all bad, and once you get down here it doesn’t matter if you’re the king of the ugly parade or just some lowly zit infested cheerleader. Get back under your bridge, crawl back into your cave or wherever it is you “people” go when you’re not causing all of us better looking folk out here to lose our appetites. We all wish you trolls would get together and build some sort of rocket ship and fly yourselves to your own planet. On second thought, without you we would have no one to look at to make ourselves feel better about ourselves. So stick around sub-4s, you bring joy to the ego of every baby you make cry. God bless you.