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A Treatise on Toilet Behavior: Are You a Gentleman in the Little Boy’s Room?

If a man’s home is his castle, then his throne room is clearly the bathroom. All kingly rights vanish immediately outside of his domicile, making ventures into public bathrooms akin to marching into an unkempt barbarians doodoo hut. In an effort to make this traumatic ordeal more manageable, we present to you tips on bathroom etiquette to make all of our lives a little more civil.

 
Photo By Cade

Going to the bathroom in public can be a traumatic experience.  We’ve all heard horror stories of poop handprints or lived through the utter terror of some urine soaked hellhouse, or just been saddled up next to some creepy dude who stands a little to gross.  With that in mind, I’ve come up with a few guidelines to bathroom etiquette to make the experience safer and more relaxing.

Eye Contact

Eye contact in the restroom should be expressly forbidden.  I mean seriously, what are you thinking?  Searching for your new bff over a shared waste elimination moment?  It seems odd to me that the only time people manage to make solid eye contact is not when talking business or telling jokes, but rather unzipping their pants.  Be not proud in the bathroom, do your shameful business while making your presence as invisible as possible.

Talking

In general, talking should be avoided in the restroom.  We’re not at a social gathering, we’re forced to be here.  If society were more open, I would relieve myself far out into the woods or a secluded corner of the bar where I could be alone with my thoughts.  Now, some talking between friends is acceptable, but only when you’re either drunk or really close friends.  Remember – just because you’re comfortable enough to hold a conversation with him while holding your dong, doesn’t mean he is too.  There’s nothing quite as awkward as having a coworker ask how your day is while you’ve got a firm hold on the hand cannon.

Touching

Basically you want to eliminate all of the five senses.  Taste is an obvious one and touch should be too.  But maybe you’ve gone through the strange sensation of a slap on the back, or worse a soft shoulder squeeze, while you’re at the urinal.  That is so far beyond appropriate that often the victim freezes and begins to feel survivors guilt afterwards, requiring months of expensive therapy to repair.

Photo by MacWagen
Photo by MacWagen

Cleanliness

They say it’s next to godliness, but I like to think it’s next to the sink in the form of soap.  You’re a grown up now.  Even if you weren’t, you should still be washing your hands.  Not just after number two, fellas.  Just imagine that you’re going to either eat after the bathroom.  Don’t spread the germs around, it takes two seconds – wash your hands every time.

Toilets & Urinals

There is a difference.  We live in a grand time where you don’t wash clothes and your self in the same tub; we’ve specialized.  If you need to urinate, you use a urinal if that’s an option.  One of the biggest peeves about using a public bathroom is definitely pee on the seat.  You can almost completely eliminate that problem by not peeing in toilets.  The urinal was invented for that.  Fast and simple.

If, in the case of emergency, you need to use the toilet, lift the seat.  And try to avoid peeing on the floor.  Really, just wait for the urinal.  The goal should be to leave the bathroom as clean as possible, not really for the benefit of others, but for yourself.  Imagine how gross the bottom of a shoe or the cuff of a jean is after a trip to the bathroom.

Those are the basics.  By abiding by these, we can streamline the bathroom experience.  It doesn’t have to be a place for awkward conversations or a fearful location swimming in pools of urine.  Man up, class up, and do right and we can all live a happier existence.  By working together, we can improve the public bathroom experience.  Yes we can.

About

Robert Fure is a fitness, lifestyle, and entertainment writer living in Los Angeles. He is also a certified Personal Trainer and the Creator/Editor of Fit and Furious, an online outlet dedicated to the pursuit of a fit lifestyle. His entertainment work can be viewed at Film School Rejects.

 
  • Eric

    I cannot agree more about not standing up to pee in the stall. I freely admit that if there is no urinal available I always sit down to piss. People have laughed at me for this but I dismiss this as I know they are just inconsiderate of others.

    If you’re going to piss standing up there is going to be splatter, you’re not a superhuman piss champion. Urinals are built to contain the splatter. Do you want to sit in someone else’s splattered piss? Didn’t think so, sit the fuck down.

  • http://midnight.hushedcasket.com Jeff

    When I enter a bathroom I’m not there to make sure I dot every ‘i’ and cross every ‘t.” I’m there to drop off some cargo. If the urinals are occupied I will use a toilet. I will not wait for a urinal while there is a perfectly decent urine receptacle in a stall. I will also not sit down for #1 if I have to use the toilet. So Eric, forgive me, but I will not “sit the fuck down.” I will get the job done in record time and be back on the job adding to our nation’s GDP instead of ensuring I washed up to my elbows, used hand sanitizer, and applied Hello Kitty moisturizing lotion.

    Just take care of business, people.

  • Jeremy

    Believe it or not, this JUST happened to me. The CEO of my company was talking to me while I was at the urinal. Awkward.

  • http://www.filmschoolrejects.com Doc Brown

    Jeff I get the feeling you’re the guy who’s peeing on the floor and making the cuffs of my jeans wet every time I walk out of the bathroom. Also, I hope you don’t work in food service if you’re not washing your hands.

  • http://midnight.hushedcasket.com/ Jeff

    Doc, I like to think I’m tidy enough for any reasonable person. However, I won’t follow a 12-step NATO approved checklist, nor will I sit down to piss in a pot.

  • http://jackbusch.net/blog/ Jack

    Also, if you happen to finish first, it’s not necessary to say, “I win!” I don’t know how many times that’s happened to me. It’s not my fault that I have a bladder like a camel’s hump.

    Oh, also, there should be some kind of unspoken buffer rule. There’s no need to play footsy with a guy from the adjacent pisser when there’s an entire row of vacant heads.

  • http://justinyourmind.com Justin

    1. I sometimes prefer to use a stall because when at work, I don’t want any ricochet from the urinal on my clothes.

    2. I hate people that whistle incessantly in the bathroom.

    3. I also hate people that talk and want to make conversation in the bathroom, especially when it’s “Did you see that report I left on your desk?” Well, I’m kind of peeing right now, so no, not yet.

    4. If I am in the bathroom and there’s a rush of people, I will sit in the stall and wait until everyone clears out. I prefer silence, space and privacy.

    5. I hate people that also bring in coffee cups and set them on the sink while they do their business, those that think that the bathroom is their own and brush/floss, and those that feel no pang of guilt re: not flushing their shit.

  • Brandon

    Sitting down to pee is the most absurd idea I’ve heard here, especially if the rationale is that you need to do that to avoid peeing on the seat.

    Hullo!? We were all taught as children to lift the lid: this is the obvious solution. There’s no need to sit on something of highly questionable cleanliness just to avoid making it worse. Just lift the lid. Simple. Effective.

    @Eric:
    “Urinals are built to contain the splatter.” You must live somewhere with better-designed urinals than I’ve ever seen, because virtually every one I’ve used seems like it was designed by angry feminists to extract some minor revenge against men by forcing them to pee all over themselves. No, where I’ve lived (Chicago, Michigan, D.C.), the urinals are designed to *deflect* the splatter.

    Also, there is splatter when you pee sitting down, too, it’s just that much of it gets all over you. If you want to pee on yourself, be my guest. But I prefer to avoid that.

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