22 Things Viagra Still Hasn’t Cured

A decade after its inception (conception?), Viagra is still hailed as a savior for many men. Sure, Viagra cured one problem, but for being such a miracle drug there are still some things the little blue pill needs to work on.

Recently, CNN did an online article commemorating the 10th Anniversary of the “miracle drug” Viagra. The article, written by Madison Park, commends those responsible for helping all of those older guys and gals have a good time, but also, it laments the many problems in the bedroom that Viagra was not able to cure.

While reading it I couldn’t help but notice that while Mr/Ms. Park (Madison is one of the either way names after all, better play it safe) made some pretty fair and true observations he/she failed to mention quite a few other things that “the little blue pill” was unable to free us of.

I have taken the liberty of adding to Madison Park’s article with just a few other things that Viagra was unable to cure…

(In no specific order)

  1. Crap in My Room - It seems like I clean it day after day, again and again, but somehow the mess never seems to go away. It’s like the little gnomes that live in the walls of my room are taking the money I leave them to clean and just spending it on more crap to leave on my floor… so ungrateful.
  2. Tube Technology – I have long been a fierce advocate of the tube travel technology. Even with the support of celebrities like Tenacious D and others, the scientists continue to slack. Get the scientists working on the tube technology ASAP!
  3. BCS - Despite being cured of their frustrating impotence, greedy old men everywhere refuse to allow college football games to matter, forcing regular Joe’s everywhere to wander aimlessly through life without a true champion.
  4. The “Transformers” Movie – Seriously, I’m sick of having to explain to fan boys why this overlong, ludicrous, CGI orgy of a movie sucks. Transformers are awesome, they deserved better than this.
  5. T.O. - I’m pretty sure that 10 years ago I didn’t even know who T.O. was. Now, he is among the top 3 reasons why I hate the Cowboys.
  6. People Not Walking on Escalators - A message to all able bodied people under 60: I don’t care how fat you are; some of us have places to be, WALK UP THE GA’DAMM ESCALATOR.
  7. Dane Cook ­- Sure, he used to be funny, but now he just gets up on stage and acts like an asshole for an hour and pretends he’s telling jokes. This guy should have been right at the top of Viagra’s list. Then again you don’t hear much about Carlos Mencia anymore…
  8. Stereotypical Frat Brothers - I went to a Catholic university so I did not have the pleasure of experiencing these interesting beings during my college career, but after I graduated, I roomed with one for three months and then I understood why the terrorists hate us.
  9. Stupid Sports Fans - I’m not talking about those obnoxious troglodytes (dictionary it) that just mindlessly cheer for a team. I’m talking about guys (and gals) who pretend to know what they’re talking about and yet say completely retarded things like: “Cal Ripken Jr.’s consecutive game streak is more impressive than Brett Favre’s,” “Bo Jackson is the greatest multi-sport athlete of all time,” and “John Daly is an athlete.”
  10. My Top Gun-itis - I don’t even like “Top Gun” that much, but no matter what, whenever it is on, I watch it. Why? What makes me do this? You know that the part where Val Kilmer bites the air in front of Pete “Maverick” Mitchell’s face…what is that!?
  11. The Ending of “The Departed” - This movie is pretty good right up until the part where Scorcese decided he should rip off that “South Park” episode where they pretend they are cops and everyone suddenly double crosses/kills one another in the world’s most ridiculous triple plot twist ever. If you haven’t seen the original, “Infernal Affairs,” from Hong Kong you should, the ending is a million times better.
  12. The Organic Food Craze - It costs more. It isn’t necessarily any better for your body. It damages the environment.
  13. The Rock Always being in Bad Movies - I know this guy has talent, but for some reason he just can’t get his hands on a good movie to save his life. Can someone please help this man?
  14. Nicolas Cage Always being in Bad Movies - Some people just don’t want to be helped.
  15. People Not Knowing about “Blow Your Face Out” – J. Geils Band is easily one of the most underrated bands ever and “Blow Your Face Out” is one of the sweetest live albums in the history of live albums, but have you heard of it? Probably not, because you are a loser. Just kidding, but, seriously, don’t be a loser. Download this album right now. “(Ain’t Nothin’ But A) Houseparty” is quite possibly the most awesome party sing along song you never heard.
  16. Overly PC People - Remember when you could throw a dodge ball at a fat kid, call someone a gypsy, and punch a douche bag in the face and have it not be a big deal? That was a simpler time.  A better time.
  17. Turkey Making Me Sleepy - C’mon, I don’t want to sleep, I want to drink huge quantities of alcohol. Or then again, maybe I want to sleep.
  18. Britney Spears - Britney’s career is like a bad horror movie franchise: just when the heroine is driving into the sunset and you think you’re watching the final installment, Britney sits up in the back seat, says, “It’s Britney bitch” and you see blood splatter all over the windshield. Here we go again.
  19. People Working Out Late at Night - Newsflash: lifting weights at 9:30 at night right before you go out and drink 9 beers isn’t really doing your body much good, especially when you didn’t even eat breakfast that morning.
  20. Shia Lebeouf – Seriously, can someone just kick this guy’s ass already?
  21. Conflict in the Middle East – Missed a pretty big one here, Viagra.
  22. My Incredibly Small Penis – Before Viagra, no one knew how very small my penis was. Now I get emails about it every day. Okay, I get it, I have a tiny penis. You can leave me the hell alone now!

Kevin H. MacLean currently resides in Brooklyn, NY where he enjoys people watching, writing, and dominating all comers in four-square. You can keep tabs on him at his blog http://ratedwrong.com/.

  • Joe

    Funny stuff. ‘Cept “Infernal Affairs” was a Hong Kong movie, not Korean.

  • http://www.primermagazine Andrew

    Joe, thanks for the note! It’s corrected.

  • Kevin

    Dammit. I knew that.

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  • http://www.queenbiyachessa.com Brenna

    Viagra is oneof the popular medicine brands. However, it has a lot of side effects when used frequently.
    .-= Brenna´s last blog ..Pre-Marital Sex =-.

  • http://taxdebtresolutionsolution.info Moshe

    #23 the douchiness of Arthur Kade.
    .-= Moshe´s last blog ..Over Twenty Million Americans Owe Back Taxes =-.

  • QAMan

    In Canada the J. Geils album reference was called Full House. It didn’t come out until 1974 here which is why Must of Got Lost is on it. With other great tunes such as Whammer Jammer and Serve You Right to Suffer this is one of the greatest party albums of all time. Thanks for reminding me; I’m going to take it to the Halloween Party I’ve been invited to tomorrow night.