Every guy has one. Maybe you met her in high school. Maybe junior year of college. Maybe she was the friend of a friend of a friend. But ever since she broke your heart, somewhere in the back of your head, what you want in a girl is partly defined by her. It’s time to man up, grow up, and move on.
Every guy has had one. The one girl pivotal in shaping what you are, and probably most importantly, what you’re not.
You compare every new girl you meet to her, and if you like a girl, it’s probably because some part of her, physically, emotionally, whatever, reminds you of who I’ll contradictorily refer to as “The One.”
Maybe you met her in high school. Maybe junior year of college. Maybe she was the friend of a friend of a friend. But ever since she broke your heart, somewhere in the back of your head, what you want in a girl is partly defined by her.
It’s time to man up, grow up, and move on.
She’s Not The One
The first and most crucial thing you need to understand is that you won’t be able to maintain a healthy relationship with that new girl you’re dating or eyeing until you get over The One.
This new girl is smart and funny, and had you met her before this girl that messed you up so badly, she probably would have been everything you ever wanted. And she is still with you, which has major advantages over that girl you’re still languishing over.
The hardest part is that you know all of this. You’ve known forever The One is no good for you, even if you could get her back. In a subconscious situation like this rationality has nothing to do with it, and so, has everything to do with fixing it.
Love Vs Attached
The first step to moving on is realizing you don’t love her. You don’t. Maybe you never have. You are attached to her, and this is very different, and you need to learn to distinguish the two. Love is something that doesn’t come around very often, and most likely since you’re not together anymore, the two of you weren’t in love. Love is kind, generous, and giving. It is selfless and understanding. Expressive and prioritized. When have you witnessed a relationship that had these qualities AND was plagued by drama?
On the other hand it is easy to become attached to someone. A relationship with a lot of fights or drama that is intermixed by some good times can create a very deep attachment for someone that can last a lifetime, long after going separate ways. Jealousy, frustration, and unrequited attention are powerful feelings that can create an unjustified sense of depth or importance to a relationship; when in reality these should be signs of a deal breaker.
Any time you’ve heard someone talk about having “a lot of history” with someone all that means is there 
was a lot of ups and downs in the relationship. Often times this is used with a positive connotation, somehow implying that because essentially they had a horrible relationship with someone, that they would make up without breaking up, that they have a deep connection with each other. Usually these relationships have been mired by cheating, physically or emotionally, or one person being more into it than the other.
One of the strongest emotions is that felt after recovering from an oncoming break up. A rush of positivity, relief, and accomplishment skew the unfortunate reality into a feeling of potential. It is no wonder that the lack of this “excitement” in your new relationships feels like a lack of passion. When really, it is a lack of turbulence. This is a good thing. This is also why many people continue to get back together with someone after fighting or breaking up several times. With the absence of love, the strongest emotion that exists within these types of relationships is this false rush of positivity.
A relationship like this can trigger strong emotions in someone, and it’s easy to see how these can be confused for love or adoration. However having “a lot of history” with a girl is never a justification for not breaking up with her or wanting to get back with her. And this especially should never be used as a crutch for not being able to move on.
An attachment like this is hard to overcome, but understanding that it’s based on negative emotions is important so that you can bounce back.
Ignore Her Calls
It should go without saying that if you’re really ready to move past this hard time in your life you shouldn’t still be talking to The One. While people always try to do the “we’re still friends” crap, you’re not and you never will be. She will always be your ex-girlfriend. She will always be that girl that hurt you. Even if years down the road you are able to chat or hang out occasionally she will never just be fulfilling the role of “friend.”
If you do still talk to her, it needs to stop immediately. There’s nothing like reliving the horrible relationship over and over every time you or her drunk dials each other, or every time she writes on your Wall. Stop taking her calls. Remove her from your friends on Facebook. Take her off your chat lists. You have to fully remove her from your life. Tell her you’re going to do it if you want, just do it and stick to it.
So You Like Girls with Freckles…
If you find that you’re mostly attracted to girls who share some physical trait with The One, the only way to overpower your subconscious is to just acknowledge it. So you like brunettes with blonde highlights. Tall redheads? Casual girls who love to wear hoodies? Whatever it is just go with it. Who cares, so you’re the guy who likes emo girls. I promise you, the girl you finally end up with will probably be the last thing you were expecting in terms of what she looks like, but the only way to remove the blinders The One installed on you is to first acknowledge they’re there.
She was important in your life and your development and there is no shame in the fact that you’re still attracted to her physically. Now move on.
Getting over a girl who was your first for anything or who really hurt you is a process that takes time, and there is no reason to jump back in full force until you’re ready. But if it’s been a few years it may be time to take another look. There are a lot of special girls out there that actually deserve all this pining, you just have to let go and find them.
About Andrew Snavely
Andrew is the founder and editor of Primer. He's a graduate of American University and currently lives in Los Angeles. Read more about Primer on our About page.
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28 People had something insightful to add, but we're missing your voice! Continue the conversation with a comment.
Jason
Wow. I related to this on way too many levels.
Oct 21st, 2008
David Hutchison
There is about five of my friends I need to send this to.
Dec 24th, 2008
Albert
my first…i guess you could call her “love”, in high school crushed me a couple of days after our three months by texting me “how do you feel about our relationship?” damn i cant believe how much that hurt me. i really never thought i was so attached to this girl. i dont find anyone attractive anymore. its been months now and im still hurting. i tried to never talk to her. except for when i asked her to give me back the hoodies i let her borrow. maybe im too young and just cant get over her…but i have been dumped before and i have gotten over other girls. so why am i so down about this one?
Dec 27th, 2008
R
Thanks for the article. I’ve kind of realized this on a lot of levels about my “One”, but hearing it from another person always seems to give things more weight. I do believe I’ll bookmark this and readminister as needed.
Mar 8th, 2009
jeremy
man thanks alot this was helpfull the one really had me up especially we tried staying friends and she had a boyfriend and she cheated on him with me lol but the best is to stop cut her off
Mar 16th, 2009
Eric
Wow, reading this just helped me out so much, thank you for sharing it.
May 7th, 2009
Philip
dude this article is pretty much the one thing i needed right now.. thanks a million. you really hooked it up.
Jul 19th, 2009
Pat
I was so close to COMPLETELY getting over ‘that girl’ .. untill she told me to come over to her place .. now all the progress i made just feels like a waste .. i couldn’t NOT go and see her. i missed her too much. i just wish she would stop messing with me..
Sep 10th, 2009
Andrew
Pat, I know it can be difficult, but you HAVE to take control of this. I’ll refer you to Offspring’s “Self-Esteem” :
I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
When she came over I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I’m being used
.-= Andrew´s last blog ..How To Have A Kick-Ass Workout Even if You’re Stuck In A Hotel Room With No Equipment Whatsoever =-.
Sep 10th, 2009
Tom
i dated this girl for 3 months shy of 3 yrs and she broke up with me cus i got mad at her for hangin out with this guy that hit on her and feelin on her at a party a week before hand, she purposely waited till i went to a friends house one night then i called a friend of hers n what do ya know<she at this guys house" n she breaks up with me for being mad at her for going ther after she knew how i felt(week later). now they friends but they aint together n this other kid got a new gf now so im thinking why the fuck did htis even happen?the relationship was kinda rocky towards the end, but this girl just threw away 3 yrs like it aint shit. and she doing things and being with people that we have never done or she has mention in the last 3 yrs of our relationship i mean i know im only 20 and theres alot of fish in the see but damn.and i cant help but think the worst when she comes to mind just bcus she was my world and my life, we didnt spen a day apart (no lie) for the last year of the realtionship. and now shes fine. listen to this article and read other bcus i realize women aint worth this emotional bullshit and drama!!!! thanks for the article man.
Sep 30th, 2009
LJ
I can sure identify with that! I was so shy back when I met The One. I was nothing like I am now. Anyway, I wound up losing her to another guy and I have been kicking myself ever since. I saw her in every girl I’ve ever been with. Thanks for the article. It is a great one!
Oct 10th, 2009
Tyler
this really helped my ex and i were dating for about 3 months she was my first for everything kiss,make out,sex and I found out she would be moving to texas b/c her dad didnt want to work here(michigan) anymore so he wanted to move funny thing is she knew when was moving b4 we went out needless to say I broke up w/her and got back w/her in 4 days and ended up going out for almost 3 more months then she left me and said she just used me.
Oct 28th, 2009
john
listen up to evryone out there…….. i just got my fuckin heart brokin over a girl that i did everything for. me and her always liked eachother when we were in high school and senior year we went out i always loved this girl and finally got her. until today we just brok up and she broke my heart. she said that i couldnt handle the fact that she had guy friedns in college. And yes i di freak out a bout alot of shit and she gave me chance after chane to change and not be a freak out. But i didnt. i ahd thew world in my hands and i kept fucking it all up over nothing. my girl never cheated or did shit wrong. it was me that fucked it all up cuz i was insecure. for all the guys out there dont be insecure let your girl have her freedom as hard as it is let her. If shes a good girl youll never have to worry.. learn from me im alone and depresed everyday cuz i know whayt i had and i lost. i had it all. and now im alone cuz i couldnt handle her havin a guy friend.
Nov 10th, 2009
Mike
You know this is probly the best article i’ve read on this. I’m 21 now I had this “one” Its been several years us being friends and we’ve fighted alot during the time yet i still thought i loved her. This article actually made me relieze somethings. I think we should be done cause it hurts me all the time txtin, social sites…etc.
Thanks again!
-mike
Feb 2nd, 2010
Brooke
love love love this.
Sep 28th, 2010
Lost
My first “One” was really just that, straight out of high school – First everything pretty much. She cheated on me once while I was away at boot camp, when we were engaged. I forgave her, we moved on, got married and had a kid together. I told her if it ever happened again she was not getting a second chance. Well it happened again, I booted her out, she has the kids – I have been trying to move on for almost a year now but dont know how. I have slipped a couple times, having sex with her once or twice, have stopped that now. But I still have to talk to her, and having troubles moving on.
I am lost! — I have been with girls but cant seem to give myself to them, its like I dont have feelings for anything anymore….. suggestion for an ex w/ kids?
Oct 16th, 2010
Andrew
Hey Lost, I feel your pain. Congrats on having enough respect for yourself to end it. You’re in a difficult situation because, like you said, with the kids in the picture you’re going to have to continue talking with her. i wouldn’t worry too much — trust yourself, you’re stronger than you think you are. Keep at it, and you’ll find the right woman.
Oct 20th, 2010
Baka
Amazing. I just lost “The One”. We dated for just shy of 3 months and then out of the blue “I dont have feeling for you anymore” and it was over. It has only been a few weeks and we still talk here and there but it kills me. This really helped me figure shit out and I am going to read this when i get down. Thanks for the great article. More on this topic would be awesome!
Dec 23rd, 2010
Andrew
Hi Baka, I’m glad you found it helpful. Don’t worry, things will only get easier. Any specifics in what you’d like to see more of?
Dec 23rd, 2010
scott
This article probably just saved my life.
Feb 22nd, 2011
Cherudim
There was this girl I meet on vacation and I fall hard for her. It was a 15 days vacation, but I get to know her in 13 days. She is amazing. If any of you guys meet her I’m sure you will like her too. I really like her personality. I feel like I can talk to her about anything. I feel comfortable around her and I’m really happy around her. We got along fine; even I told her how I feel about on the last day. The thing is she live really far, in fact we are almost 2 different world a part. The first month was o.k, we talked and we both have fun. After that went I talk to her sometime she doesn’t reply back. At first I though she is really busy with school, and I leave her alone. Then some night I leave her small message, such as have a good night and hope to talk to you soon. In December, everything fall apart. She is someone I never met before and to me, I feel she mean a lot to me. True I don’t know her very well, but I would like to get to know about her more. I think about her all the time, everyday, even she ask me to forget about her. It’s more harder then it’s look. You think I’m stupid??? That I keep liking someone that doesn’t like you back? I know I’m stubborn and I know I say some wrong things at the wrong time. I wish I can take everything back. I don’t regret know her I’m really grateful just to know her.
Feb 26th, 2011
blacksby
nice job on this..much appreciated.
Mar 8th, 2011
Josh
Get out of my head.
Jun 8th, 2011
Jon
She was the one who made me forget my first teenage crush. By then i’s just 13. I felt like she was world to me. I knew where I actually was when she started avoiding me. I had nearly gone into depression. Thanx to the article to show me a light of hope to my new life.MY LIFE.
Aug 29th, 2011
College Kid
Yep. Met “the one” Sophmore year in high school.. love at first sight everything i pictured to be perfect in a girl look wise she had. She was a year and a half older than me.. Many family problems, but i loved trying to help her with it.. my life seemed so perfect to her, i felt as if she needed me and i needed her. I loved her maturity, it made me grow up fast.. She cheated on me 10 days in… i forgave her telling her w/e it was the begining. Next year, she gets a job. Great. But we fought and ended up breaking up… I find out she let her coworkers do shit to her while i was texting her and calling her and driving around like a maniac looking for her to just say fuck it im sorry… she told me bullshit about how she needed it to know for a fact that i am the one.. ok i forgive you… 3 year anniversary i take her to a concert. We rolled and had the times of our lives… we fight the next week… the weekend later i feel bad and go back to say i am sorry..SHe tells me college changed me and shes afraid.. Keep in mind that i do go out but am faithful and have been these 3 years.. ok w/e we talked on a friday and i said fuck it and went home… next day i go to her house at 3 only to find her gone.. i get a txt saying she went to a college with another guy.. Wow fuck you.. She told me she needs to just chill nothign will happen… fuck it w.e…. a week later she comes to my college to talk.. She says we need to be on a break until she “finds” herself.. Im thinking bullshit in my mind but she threw a lot of good arguments at me.. I broke her finaly into telling me wtf is up… she says she got basically forced into being fingered cuz she was hammered and kept saying stop…. Now i was going to go and beat this kids ass… but.. the fact that this is the 3rd time… just tore me the most… the fact that i really DO need to GROW UP and forget her stuck me like a wall when she told me what had happend.. all those thoughts shooting infront of my eyes.. I cant let her go but i have to.. She still blames me for everything saying i broke her heart… I havent texted her for a good week now… but i still just have this gaping hole in my chest.. and i know i will end up talking to her soon.. the other thing making this hard, is the fact that i got her so close to my family, thats all tehy talk about, is her. asking how she is.. and as much as i want to tell em its over.. i dont want to explain why because well, francly i dont want my rents to think im some dumb shmuck looser who cant ditch a cheating girl… I feel i have it really hard just because of the fact that i gave everything to this girl. I mean everything. Virginity, first kiss, first everything. yes i know it might be wierd.. and i knew, or thought i stuck a ten by the way she made me feel and the fact that well, she was gorgeous and every otehr guy wanted her.. I have to let go. but its tough when (dumb as fuck choice in life presented now) you both planned the college to go to together. She will be here next semester and that will just make my life just a complete shit hole.. Because i just cant even stand to think of the thought of anyone else but me making her smile the way she did. and seeing her date someone else or hook up for 3 1/2 years will def kill me inside even more. im at a complete dot. we already defriended on facebook, but i just cant delete her number… im still so unberably drawn to her, and the thought of giving up someone i trusted, cared for, loved, and made love to, for 3 years just knots my stomach till i puke. I know friends will NOT work. i just cant seem to do it. Even when i try and find another girl, i just point out the bad in her, becasue well the article explains it.. Any help. =/ i know i have A HELL OF A LONG TIME to find THE REAL ONE. I just cant seem to get over her. I feel like a fucking dumbass writing all of this.
Oct 24th, 2011
Andrew
College Kid, I’m sorry everything’s been such a mess. Sounds like you’ve really done a lot for this girl, and it’s been a long time. There are two steps to overcoming your feelings for The One. First, you have to acknowledge MENTALLY that she’s no good for you and you want to move on. This is usually the easy part, and it sounds like you’re 90% there. Just read your comment again, and then ask yourself, “is this the person that is worth my time? That deserves ME? Is this the person that will make me happy when I’m 80?”
No of course she isn’t. So punch yourself in the face and tell yourself you’re not going to take this shit anymore. You’re better than this. You deserve more. None of this is your fault, you’re a great guy trying to do the right thing — but unfortunately this girl and you ARE NOT compatible, as evidenced by her cheating on you three times. If you stick around, if you let it happen again, if you let her apologize for one more selfish act, IT IS your fault. The first step, again, is mental. You know you don’t want to be with her. Acknowledge you’re better than this.
The second step is harder, and what truly takes time. It’s acknowledging in YOUR HEART that she’s no good for your. That’s what it means to be really over somebody — not just knowing they’re not good for your — but knowing in your heart that she’s no good for you, no matter how awesome she is in terms of looks, or sex, or whatever. This is the long part of the process, it could take years. That doesn’t mean you can’t be happy with other women until then, especially if you’re holding to your mental conviction that no matter what, this girl is bad news for you. But every time you go back to her, every time you accept her drunk phone call, every time you rush in to save her from whatever drama she’s going through right now, it pushes you 10 steps backward. You cannot get over her emotionally, until you insist that you will get over her mentally.
In the end, you know exactly what to do. Stop talking to her and stop interacting with her. You can’t move on if you let her hold on to you. As for your parents, just tell them that the two of you aren’t in the same place right now and it’s healthier for both of you to be separate. Boom, end of discussion. When she comes to college, you will be tested. That’s why it’s so important to start the process now before she gets there. You’ll run into her on the quad, you’ll see her in the dining hall, you’ll see her hanging all over some guy drunk as shit. You need to be prepared for these things. And whatever you do, don’t let her drag you back under after all the progress you’ve made.
Best of luck, brother. You’re not alone. Every comment on this page equals 10,000 guys in the world who’ve had to get over The One. You CAN do it. Now tell yourself you want to.
Oct 25th, 2011
Serena
I read this while I am in a mess myself. This happened during my senior year in college…and he and I could not have been more opposite. I saw him looking at me and retorted, “Take a picture, it will last longer!” Our friends were awkwardly…seeing each other…so we were inseparable after that night…and I have so much difficulty in saying it wasn’t absolute, myth defying love like every sappy movie that usually makes me want to vomit. I had to move an hour away from him for graduate school while he worked and he continuously mentioned a fat chick at work that “was obsessed with him” and even sent herself flowers to “get his attention” like someone was interested in her. I never thought much of her being rich or never wearing the same thing…these comments were spread out over time…and we fought more. I was farther away and the distance caused problems. He envied my schedule, as he did not get into graduate school himself and was having to work for a year (where he met her) and was angry with the world. She wanted to pick him up and take him home from work, but I still didn’t think anything of it…he broke up with me to my surprise at the end of the year and I was nothing short of having to go into the looney bin…and he continued to get in touch with me…and I loved him more than life. His ex before me sent me his wedding announcement to that same girl and I found out that they got engaged three months after we broke up…and yet, he woudln’t tell me that and kept getting in touch. His grad school was an expensive one, and money bags would surely cover it. I told him I’d get a lawyer, a restraining order, and ruin his career if he ever got in touch with me again. For many years, that has been so…but not a day passed without him in my mind. The love never diminished. I got married a couple years ago, and recently I decided to make amends with all of the people that had treated me poorly…and he was the one that had broken my spirit…so he was the last one. Before i knew it, he was remembering every detail of our relationship, even things I had forgotten. Two kids and a frumpy but relatively attractive wife and almost all of a doctorate later, he seems to have realized it was a hasty decision…and my heart breaks. Is this attachment? Is this what the article refers to as far as the reference? I understand the situation. I know all the wrong parts of it, I understand the repercussions on every part I have mentioned. This love was by far the most powerful thing I had experienced, however…and he cried the night he broke up with me, which made no sense to me. He continuously got in touch and I found out he constantly kept up with me through the years. He knew things he could only have known by doing research. I just want to know…is this the same as what you are saying, or is this something different? Do people live their whole lives with a hole in the pit of their gut?
Jan 8th, 2012
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