525,659

You Are What You Drink: 5 Women to Avoid at Starbucks

You can tell a lot about a person from the way they stand, the way the dress, or the words they use. You may be surprised to know, you can also glean a lot from what they order at the Starbucks counter. While the sugar-free, no foam cutie may look sweet and steamy, you may want to think twice.

 

The web site Craigslist has a “Missed Connections” section dedicated to those encounters between strangers that could have been something more, whether it’s a lingering glance at the grocery store or a smile from a waitress. Some call this section, “romantic.” Others call it, “Serendipity for the inept.”

However, if one ever browses the section, it’s apparent that Starbucks is one significant factor involved in the “Missed Connections.” The coffee chain is often a meeting place for people, with comments on “cute baristas that made my day” or “saw you reading a book — wished I had said hello!” Starbucks has proven to be the “third place” that might get you to third base! In fact, some “Starbucks relationships” can be documented in the back-and-forth posts between parties on Craigslist, holding fresh morning-brewed promise in the beginning and then deteriorating into bitter, stale end.

People stand in line at Starbucks everyday. But what people don’t know is that a drink says a lot about a person. “Missed Connection” tragedies can be avoided if the people involved look closely at what a person is sipping on.

Here are five women to avoid at Starbucks:

1. Nonfat, No Water, Chai Latte. Trophy wife who’s neglected at home. She’s secretly sad, kind of like Betty on Mad Men. She’ll flirt with you and say she’s going to leave her husband, but in the end, she likes her Mercedes and Botox too much.

2. Sugar-free, Nonfat, No Foam — but Whipped Cream. Avoid this woman like the plague. She may appear to be health-conscious, but adding whipped cream adds at least 100 calories onto the drink, proving to be nonsensical. She’s needy, sensitive, probably won’t make sense half the time. She’ll tell you, “You don’t need to come to this wedding with me,” and then while attending the wedding alone, drunk text angry hate messages because you didn’t attend the wedding with her.

3. Solo Tall Americano. Bland, just plain bland. Any woman who drinks a solo shot of espresso in hot water is probably lacking in flavor and lust. Try all you want, but you’ll never find that G-spot.

4. Triple-blended Frappucinos. Two words for you: high maintenance. She wants her drink not blended once, nor twice, but three times! From the baristas point of view, the third blend is only a courtesy to her. It’s like parents keeping up the myth of the Easter Bunny for the sake of the kids.

5. Quad, Venti, Breve, Extra Dry Cappuccino. This woman is virtually impossible, just as her drink is. With four shots of espresso and heavy half and half, it’s a trying ordeal to make this drink as light as a feather in terms of weight. Baristas probably already hate her. Ask them what they think of her before you ask her out.

Starbucks quote

Here are five men to avoid at Starbucks:

1. Tall or Grande in a Venti Cup. FALSE ADVERTISEMENT. This guy is hiding something. It could be mommy issues or the fact that he’s already married. He wants people to believe that he’s a Venti guy when he’s clearly a Tall. You’ll really be disappointed if you make it as far as the bedroom.

2. Bold Coffee plus shots of espresso. Similar to the “Tall or Grande in a Venti Cup,” this guy is trying to prove to be something he’s not. He’s kind of like the David Blaine of coffee drinkers. “Look what I can do. Regular Strong coffee isn’t enough for me. I need more caffeine!” He doesn’t do much for the world besides provide people something to shrug at. Plus, he’s always going to try to outdo everyone he comes in contact with.

3. Doppio Espressos. This guy is a total commitment-phobe. A whole cup of coffee isn’t enough for him. He needs it short, and he needs it quick. Anything more than two shots of espresso just will not suffice.

4. 200-degree Latte. This guy is an idiot. One, he doesn’t realize that a 200-degree latte will surely burn his tongue. Two, he doesn’t realize that the milk will lose its flavor at this temperature. So basically, he’s purchasing a flavorless drink that he wouldn’t be able to drink anyway (even if it had flavor) because his tongue is scorched.

5. Vanilla Latte. The male-equivalent to a “Solo Tall Americano.” This guy is probably boring as hell. The only reason why he drinks Vanilla lattes is because his last girlfriend did. You’ll learn all about her on your first date (which will coincidentally be your last).

While these drinks have highlighted the negatives about people, perhaps Craigslist should provide a “Missed Connections” section for Starbucks where these negatives can be turned into a positive. Post your drink and find a mate. Perhaps, “Vanilla latte” and “Solo Tall Americano” would enjoy be boring together. Maybe “200-degree Latte” and “Quad, Venti, Breve, Extra Extra Dry, Cappuccino” would enjoy a shared cup of Crazy with two straws.

Even if Craigslist doesn’t consider this suggestion, it’s still interesting to reflect on what a person drinks, especially when it’s a self-reflection. Although someone might not drink a doppio espresso, maybe their Grande White Mocha holds similar non-commital characteristics. Either way, it’s nice to know which drink combinations might work out and which ones might get stuck in the Frappuccino blender.

About

Megan McLachlan currently resides in the Pittsburgh area where she freelance writes, drinks coffee, and obsesses over popular culture. She was an English major, but doesn't think she wasted her life. Yet. Her blog is megoblog.com.

 
  • Pingback: » Don’t Be Such a Double-tall, Four-pump Vanilla Caramel Macchiato » Espresso News and Reviews - TheShot.coffeeratings.com

  • Kelli

    What if you get something that’s non or low fat, but has whipped cream because you don’t like the way things taste with whole milk?

  • Kelvin

    Tall or Grande in a Venti Cup – makes no sense. It spills less easily. Nothing to do with false advertising. However, I do know this is tongue in cheek. :D

  • http://midnight.hushedcasket.com Jeff

    Funny stuff. Well written.

  • Marie

    What happens if you’re a woman who just brews her own coffee because she thinks Starbucks stinks? What then? :)

    • javier

      Does she use a french press and/or does she buy good coffee that isn’t grocery freeze-dried? put a ring on it

  • Aghast

    I am a woman guilty of ordering #3 Solo Tall Americano, but I only order it one-third of the time I go there. The rest of the time, I order either a caffe mocha or a solo/doppio espresso. . Yep, I am bland and boring most of the time, plus on the prudish side.

    Funny stuff.

  • http://PrimerMagazine J

    Haha! I am completely guilty of ordering a bold coffee with a shot of espresso this past Saturday! What can I say, Halloween weekend around campus leaves some of us needing an extra kick in the ass for that 7:30 AM opening shift. Hope that cute barista didn’t think I was showing off…

  • JWS

    What would a guy who just orders a tall or grande cup of just plain coffee be? I don’t go for all the foofiness with the steamed milk and such, but I do love the Pike Place Roast that The Big Green Expensive Coffee Place That’s EVERYWHERE serves.

  • Megan McLachlan

    Regular coffee is probably the best—low maintenance. Ha!

  • Jarred Sawyer

    This was a cool article, gave me a good laugh. It is so true though!

    I’m a house blend in a tall. Two creams, two sugar.
    I guess I’m a bit minimalistic, content, not an “over the top” king of guy.

  • Will

    hey, i get vanilla lattes every now and then at breakfast!!! >:(. but my favorite drinks are frappuccinos BLENDED ONCE.

Primer is proudly spam-free. Unsubscribe anytime.